the joy

i didn't sleep all night. maybe an hour. my mind was all over the place...racing...

i got up a couple times...researched car seats...registered for bottles and formula...and tried to sleep again...to no avail.

we all had to be up and fed and out the door by 6:30 this morning to get our fingerprints re-done. i'm sure that didn't help me sleep, either.

your love and comments and excitement have been precious.

i am amazed at how much i already know every detail of their faces.

the kids each brought a copy of their pictures to school with them. how i WISH i could be there to see them share!

the joy of these 2 boys being the ones chosen to join our family is something i can't explain. i am OVERjoyed. i can only imagine the Father's joy for us when one joins His family.

found these...aren't they amazing??

for their room... (that i can't WAIT to start setting up!!)

 for any room!

bailey

i just have to get this down before i forget...

yesterday, while we were eating a meal {i can't remember which one...it was lunch or dinner}, i could tell bailey was pondering. how? because she was quiet. she's only quiet when she's pondering. then, she opens her mouth to speak. i listen. because i know something either hilarious or amazing is about to be said.

she says, "mom, i'm not eating snacks anymore."
me: {knowing there is a "good" reason for this and that she's not just being flippant} "why not, bailey?"
bailey: "because! if i eat snacks from the green basket. then you just have to keep putting more snacks in and buying more and more at sam's and spending more and more money! you need that money for our brothers! if i don't eat snacks, then you'll have more money for our brothers!"

wow.
i just LOVE the thought process that went into that.

THEN she said, "AND...I've been looking on the road for pennies when i'm outside for our brothers. mom, YOU need to start looking in the road, too." :-)

LOVE that girl!

{and i DID tell her it was FINE and GOOD for her to eat snacks. that i appreciated her thinking about it, but that God will provide for our snacks AND for our brothers to come home. i can just picture this coming out at school to her teachers. something along the lines of, "we can't eat food at home because we have to save money for our brothers in africa....i'll probably get a call tomorrow :-)}

those 2 sweet boys in rwanda have NO idea how much they are loved!!!
praying they feel it deep in their little hearts tonight.

random statements

my friend, christy, emailed me the total she's going to be able to give from the jewelry party...are you ready???
$700!!!! wow, you guys! my heart is so blessed and encouraged!

did you know it's november? ahh!

i haven't cried since friday. pretty sure i cried EVERY.SINGLE.DAY for the previous 2 weeks. i kinda miss it in a weird way...it was very cleansing.  i don't think pat misses it.

i feel ill from all the halloween candy i've eaten. seriously. but i have no self-control. anyone know a GOOD way to get rid of it? otherwise it's going in the trash soon.

i've started doing a kickboxing class at the gym. the girl that teaches it is UH-mazing. seriously. i want to be her. that kinda class just makes you feel hardcore. love it.

i can't WAIT for friday...counting the hours like a giddy school girl :-)

sit on the floor today. and just see what happens. this morning, because i was sitting on the floor, joshua came and sat on my lap (which he NEVER does!) and bailey spend quite a while there (no surprise there...) just try it. made me realize i need to do it more often...

my heart is happy...

because all my kids are going to be home today and tomorrow! {teacher work days}
we are going to have SUCH a great time!
(and i'm going to try to focus on that quote from yesterday...)
and it would be PERFECT if there would be some SERIOUS movement in Rwanda... :-)

progress

first of all, THANK YOU for your suggestions and encouragement! i've tried them all! the warm water DID work alison! 

we ARE making progress.
sorry about that last post.
i'm so dramatic, huh?
good grief!

today continued to be very frustrating.
BUT we made some progress.
sawyer peed in the potty once this morning.
pooped in the potty after lunch (!)
had 2 accidents in the morning.
after his nap, he held it til 7:30!
and FINALLY peed on the toilet.
ALL 5 of us were there cheering for him (pat had just gotten home and i think was wishing he hadn't :-))

i still don't think he "gets" it. and that's SO frustrating to me!
the other 3 all "got it" by the end of the first day.
but, i'm 2 days in.
we had more success and less failure today than yesterday.
i'm not turning back now.

tomorrow is supposed to be a rainy day.
not sure if that's going to be better or worse.
it's been nice to have the older kids play outside in the afternoon while i'm tending to sawyer inside.

i did eat the second ice cream sandwich :-)
i still haven't eaten 1 gummy bear (it's a challenge now...)
i did drive through McD's and get a LARGE diet coke after i got bailey on the bus today.
oh, did it taste GOOD!

after sawyer's success tonight, i got him to bed and left.
i had no idea where i was going.
i just had to get OUT.
i listened to a song that i hadn't heard in a few months.
and it ripped my heart open for my boys in Rwanda.
sobbing.
praying out loud to the Father that can hold them until we can.

and kind of laughing at the irony of me driving away as fast as i could from the 4 children i CAN hold and at the same time aching to hold the 2 boys i can't.

ironic.
yet so true.
and all those feelings are so REAL.
what a ride.
what a ride.

His mercies, struck gold, aware and security

this should be 4 (at least) separate posts...but this week's been busy...things are piling up...and i just haven't had the time to sit and do them one at a time.

i am still in a bit of a funk.
but God's mercies are abundant.
yes, there are still hard things i'm working through...and seeing...and struggling with...
but He continues to bless me and love me and carry me just like i need to be blessed and loved and carried.

sawyer "struck gold" yesterday afternoon.
by the time he was up from his nap, the tea party with freshly made oatmeal-choc. chip cookies and cut up nectarines and apples was deserted for the new puppy across the street and it was ALL HIS! :-) can you tell he was happy??

lately i've been trying to pray more specifically...instead of "i lift up pat's day at work" i write {i write all my prayers...i have since the 7th grade. i've filled journal after journal. sure, i've gone weeks, even months without writing in it...but for the most part, i've written my prayer every morning for that past 21 years! wow!!! and they are all in a box in the basement...} anyways, back to pat's day at work...i would write, "i lift pat's day at work up to you. i pray you would encouragement him in a way today that he would KNOW comes from you...no matter how much else is going on around him."

so...yesterday morning, my specific prayer was to have a good conversation with joshua.
to really feel like we were both engaged in it. to connect to him.
he's the one i'm having the hardest time reading since school started.
he just doesn't talk much. and once they get home from school, the girls talk SO much and there's so much going on, that it's hard to feel like i even talk to him!

it was nice last year, because he didn't get on the bus til mid-morning so i had the morning to at least feel like i saw his eyes and talked to him.

i was doubtful yesterday.
i had 2 extra kids all afternoon.
how in the world would i connect with him??
but i did!
2 separate times we were in a room together alone...and he engaged me.
neither was for long...maybe 5 minutes...
and both times i had to control the tears from welling up and squirting out of my eyes.
i was just so thankful to Him for His love for me...to answer that specific prayer of mine.

we kicked the soccer ball together during rebekah's soccer practice
{and i got to that ball in time! even while taking a picture :-)}

he's so so sweet.
and so fun.
and thinks HARD.
don't know where he gets that from! :-)

sawyer and i walked up to the school and ate lunch with him once bailey got on the bus today.
i ran into bailey's teacher AND saw joshua's teacher and they both commented on how great my kids are.
they didn't have to do that.
it sure meant a lot to this mama's heart!
{and i have to admit, i've been wondering about Miss Bailey...so it reassured me a LOT!}

bailey was setting up a tea party for sawyer and i this morning.
and i looked down and sawyer's sweet little hand was just resting on my leg.
if i moved it, he scooted back over and put it back.
when i got up to get the camera and sat back down, he put it back.

there was a security there for him.
he felt SAFE when his hand was on me.
his world was GOOD.

i love that.

but all of a sudden my heart hurt.
for my boys in Rwanda.
do they have someone they can put their hand on?
a place to feel safe??
and how long will it take once they are here for them to feel safe??
this is going to be a big, scary, unknown place to them...

how i yearn for the day when one of them puts their sweet little hand on my leg...

a sweet day

yesterday was such a sweet day with my kids.
nothing major.
just simple and sweet.

we were at home except for when we went out for a picnic lunch and to play in some fountains.

my heart was so calm yesterday.
and i soaked them in.

their love for each other and all those around them is just precious.
there is nothing like the love of a child, is there??


if i'm going to be honest, though, i'm having a hard time.
can't exactly put my finger on it.
but i'm struggling.

i'm having to tell myself the things i know...instead of just knowing them and living out of that knowledge.

trust and patience and strength are just not coming easily to me right now.
they come...because i rely on Him for them...but it's a battle that i am having to fight daily.
if not hourly.

it could be that summer is ending and i love having my kids all around me.

it could be that rebekah is about to turn 9 years old and that seems like a big deal to me.

it could be that there are lots of hard "situations" going on in the lives of those i love.

it could be that i'm having a hard time having hope that i will ever see those 2 boys in Rwanda that i think about all the time.

i was thinking about our adoption journey as i was walking this morning.
it feels hopeless to me right now.
but...i'm SO thankful for so many of YOU for being the hands of Christ in the many tangible ways you've encouraged us and let Him show us that He is in this.
it is your words and checks and hugs and questions and listening ears that i go back to when i am doubting.
i can't tell you how much that means.
thank you.

i know all the "right" answers...

that seasons will pass and the routine of school, etc is good for all of us.
that rebekah is turning 9...but she's still my daughter and i'm still her mom.
that His timing is perfect in all situations...hard ones...long ones...

i'm just not accepting those "right" answers very easily right now.
and i'm allowing myself to work through that instead of fighting it.

i am also practicing being thankful.
sad that we have to "practice" it, huh??
but when i am really struggling with disappointment or discouragement, i literally sit down (or mentally) and list things i'm thankful for.

it's virtually impossible to be thankful and discouraged at the same time.
it helps for a little while :-)

and there's always sugar... :-)

and so it goes...

first, i forgot to post the invitation with rebekah's party post.
isn't it cute??
i just added text to a picture using picnik and then printed them at sam's for 11 cents each!
so cheap and easy!
(and added a little piece of paper with all the triathlon details...)

today was CLEANING day.
we are leaving on wed morning for the beach with my family...through sunday.
and tomorrow is errand and meeting day.
so today was cleaning and packing day.

i set the kids up for it last night.
that today we were WORKING.
well...joshua and bailey woke up with 101 degree fevers (that i didn't realize til late in the morning...i just thought they were trying not to clean!)

and sawyer woke up from his nap and proceeded to throw up.

and so it goes, right?
we're counting on whatever this virus it to blow through us quickly so we can still leave wed morning!

i did get my hope necklace...and i LOVE it!
{i asked for 2 of the pearls on mine...for my 2 boys in rwanda!}

hope

isn't this gorgeous?
you can go here to order one.
she is selling them and giving some of the money to families that are adopting.
not ours, but someone's...someone that is opening their hearts and homes to a sweet child!
so, go and get one! :-)

the word "hope" has new meaning to me during this adoption process.
it started months ago...when pat and i would pray at night, he would pray almost daily that our boys would "have a sense of hope" even when they didn't know where it was coming from. we don't know what their situation is, but it is likely not one with much hope. and we pray that God would give them HIS HOPE in their little hearts...

raw honesty

we found out yesterday that we have to wait longer to get to our boys.
at this point it will most likely be next summer before we can go and get them.
{it was an afternoon of that plus the dishwasher breaking plus our computer having a virus plus pat working late plus a couple other things not going as planned but THIS was definitely the hardest part...the rest just fed my emotions. it was all i could do to get my kids to bed without either screaming at them or breaking down and sobbing.}

i'm mad and frustrated and disappointed.

but, mostly, i'm so sad.
so, so sad.

i'm telling myself that it's all out of my control.
and it's all in His perfect timing.
and i have 4 beautiful children to mother.
WHY am i in such a rush to add 2 more??

why??
because they are already MINE!

for those that have been pregnant, once you find out, you just can't wait to meet them, right??

well, i'm "pregnant" in my heart with these 2 boys {i never understood this before...how you can really feel so strongly for a child that you've never SEEN! now i do.} and i just can't wait to meet them.

we were told up front this would happen.
the rwanda program is new.
delays are to be expected.

but it doesn't make it any easier.

i feel lonely in this.
i need some REAL encouragement right now.
this is hard.
i've cried numerous times today.
{i let myself listen to "How Great is Our God" by Shane Bernard with the African Children's Choir...not good...ugly crying...}
i'm battling a migraine which i think is being caused by my hurting heart fighting with my practical mind. they are NOT agreeing.

many of you won't understand this.
but i want to share this whole journey with you.

it's been amazing.
and beautiful.
but it's also heart-wrenching.

do you have your shirts yet??

we got ours!

1 more week...click on the link on the right to order and support our adoption!

THANKS!!!

special visitors

when my mom came over yesterday, she brought some special visitors with her!

mrs. atkinson and sifa.

it's kind of hard to explain "who" mrs. atkinson is to me...she's one of my mom's dear friends.
pat and i stayed in their house when we were newlyweds and had no where to live and they were on vacation.
mr. atkinson brought me a diet coke at my wedding reception because they only had pepsi products (mrs. atkinson is also a lover of diet coke and he KNEW what that meant!)

mrs. atkinson taught kindergarten at the school where i taught 2nd grade for 2 years.
so we worked together.

and, she's been on multiple mission trips to Rwanda and has a love for the country where 2 of my children are.

so.
she's great :-)
and we have quite a history.
i was SO glad to spend some time with her!

and, sifa.
sifa is from Rwanda.
she is here in the US for medical reasons...mr. and mrs. atkinson have been her primary caretakers while she has been back and forth from Rwanda to the US over the last couple years.

she is a precious girl.

it was really neat to watch my kids interact with her.
and her with them!
she brought them each a pack of silly bands :-)
so cute!

she will be back in Rwanda once we travel over to get our boys.
when i told her that, she was like, "ok."
when i told her that we'd have rebekah, joshua and bailey with us, her demeanor changed and she made SURE we would see her :-)


rebekah really seemed to connect with her.
and talked about her a lot after she left.

pray for this sweet girl.
she is 13 years old...yet much younger in some ways...and much older in others.


spending this time with her was a gift to me.
i loved it.
yet i spent the rest of the day in quite a "funk" and it took me a little while to figure it out.

this period of "waiting" in our adoption process is LONG.
and i know that.
and, unknowingly, i've put up a thick wall to protect myself from the pain of the wait.
seeing sifa yesterday...and answering her questions about our boys...and looking in her eyes...and hearing her story...made that wall come CRASHING down and it my heart hurt.
hurt to have my boys with me.
i know this is all in God's timing.
and i trust that.
and i think that's why i've been able to put up this wall...it's a wall of trust...handing them to Him for the time-being.

i questioned myself yesterday.
is it ok that i have this wall up?
that i don't feel a lot of the time?

and i have to believe that it is ok.
i have to be a mom to the 4 children that i'm with each and every day.
i can't wish away the days and months...
i have to trust.

and i know this is a process.
i also know this is a process unlike any other i've ever been through.
i assume as we go along...as we get closer...the wall will come down when it needs to.
and i'll be ready.
oh, will i be ready!

until then...i pray and i thank God for holding them when i can't.

finally relaxing

i can feel myself finally relaxing.
it's amazing how long it takes.

went putt-putting last night.

you never know how that will go.
it was great.
so much fun.
the "favorite part" for everyone yesterday!


i love spending our days together.




and another long morning on the beach today.
everyone had much better attitudes...including me.

having this big bucket for sawyer has been a LIFESAVER!
he does NOT like going near the water...but also doesn't like his hands to be sandy...

thank goodness for "cropping" :-)

i can't help but wonder what it will be like when we have 2 more little boys with us.
will people stare?
will i care if they do?
will they like the beach?
will they hate it?
will they think we are crazy for loving it?



this guy has been a TROOPER...with his big bandage over his stitches and all.

i started reading this book the night we left.
wow.
i had heard it recommended a few times.
it's been in my "amazon cart" for months.
i decided to get it for my "vacation book."
not quite sure what made me do it...but i am sure glad i did!
can't put it down...

off to read!

someone needed me

i did NOT sleep well last night.

woke up at 2:22 am.
my feet were on the floor the second i woke up.
i heard crying and someone needed me.

i was in the girls' room {where the 3 older ones were sleeping} before i even realized i was awake.

i stood at the door and looked at all 3 of their sleeping faces.
so peaceful.
they didn't need me.
the house was silent except for my wildly beating heart.

and then i thought about them.
my sons that i can't run to in the night.
is someone there to run to them??

i spent the rest of my night tossing and turning.
thinking about them...

joshua and sawyer's room

the before:

it was just joshua's room.
we didn't get anything new when we moved from our old house to this one.
same bed, bedding, everything.
and it worked.

the dresser was pat's when he was a little boy :-)

and the after:

LOVE it!
beds are from Sam's Club.
bedding is from Target (bed in a bag for $40 - NICE!)
Dallas Cowboys colors! :-)
the walls are painted grey (i lOVE grey!)

joshua has slept on the top bunk from day 1.
he LOVES sleeping up there!

Sawyer's dresser is from Craig's list.
his canvas will go above his dresser (i make them each a canvas on their 2nd birthday...you'll see the others as we go!)

each child has a globe.
it is theirs.
i pray they will grow to love them.
i wrote Matthew 22:37 on a card and attached it to each one.
i got some of the globes at a thrift store and some at Target :-)
i just didn't become aware of the World and God's heart for it until WAY later in life and it's my prayer that they are always aware of ALL of God's creation!

i wasn't going to do curtains.
i like big, open windows.
but...at the last minute i decided they needed something.

so i went to my sewing table and made these.
some of the triangles are from old jeans.
one is from a newborn jacket of sawyers (awwww!!)

sewed them all to a ribbon and pinned them to the wall!
no curtain rod or anything!

the little wall as you walk in their room.

and joshua's dresser.
STILL the one from when pat was a little boy :-)
no new decorations...just used all the cute ones we already had!


sawyer won't move in here until a couple months before our boys from Rwanda come home.
(they are taking his room!)