deep breaths...

the days are crazy.
lots of deep breaths.

i am still LOVING my little crossfit workouts. this was my "crossfit gym" the other day. i had to run 400 meters, and then do some deadlifts with 40 pounds. 5 rounds of that. sawyer was my 40 pounds. but levi was used for the picture. i wasn't about to trust him with my phone! :-) they ran around and played in the creek and we brought some tadpoles home from that workout!

gosh, i love her. and her outfits.

and a few minutes later i looked over and saw this. jamming to music, dusting the house. :-)

fun snack for friend friday :-) teddy grahams, melted chocolate, teeny marshmallows. it was good.

friend friday ended (another SPECIFIC prayer was answered. no time to go into it. but it was so cool.) i was not in the best mood. and it had nothing to do with the kids - my own stuff. rebekah headed off to church. pat got home and left again for shepherd group. and i looked at joshua. REALLY looked at him for the first time all day (almost 7 pm. awesome mom.) and said, "what is wrong with you? are you ok?" he just had a look. he said, "my legs hurt." i took his temp - 101.3. for joshua, this usually means he has strep. ugh. 7 pm on a friday? but the next day was football and seeing pat's family and i needed to know if he had strep or not! so, off to urgent care we went...

2 hours later. negative strep. no idea what was wrong with him. he still had a slight fever saturday. fine by sunday. ??? i was in bed by 9:30 pm on friday night. aren't i fun?

had a great time celebrating pat's mom's birthday on saturday evening! his mom with all her grandkids :-)

pat, his mom and his sister

be specific

as a mom (actually, i'm pretty sure ANY person with any relationships in their life can relate) i struggle to feel like i meet the needs of all those i love.

especially pat and my kids {there are so many of them!} :-)

i can sense pretty quickly when one of them in particular needs extra from me. and i used to let this consume me with worry. worry, worry, worry. thinking, thinking, thinking.

but i remember the first time i was VERY specific and took the request and worry to God. it was about joshua. i prayed for he and i to have time to connect that day - just me and him. it was a crazy, busy day ahead and i saw no way to make it happen on my own. i remember the circumstances so clearly. and, as i navigated the conversation with him (it was a HUGE thing going on in his heart and my "sense" that he needed something extra was very accurate) i can remember the AWE filling my chest as i watching God WORK so clearly in the minutes and circumstances of my day.

we always say He cares about the little things. but do we ever give the little things to Him so that we can SEE how very much He cares about them? so we can see Him orchestrate the minutes and actions around us in ways we never could?

i've seen it happen many times since that day. it's still not second nature for me to pray and be specific immediately. i usually have to worry and think and try to do things the way i think they should go first. but, after enough worry, i do give it to Him. i ask VERY SPECIFIC things. and do you know what? HE HAS ANSWERED EVERY SINGLE TIME.

EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

it is hard to get one on one time with my kids. but it is a desire of my heart, and a need of theirs, so it happens.

recently, rebekah and i have been running together on tuesday evenings. 3 miles. it's been such a sweet time.

i will admit to the last couple years being hard for me (in LOTS of ways!) but, in this case, with regard to my kids getting older. it's a different ballgame and it's taken some adjustment and learning and growing in all of us. there's been some kicking and screaming but we are making our way and i'm finding that i am enjoying it more than struggling with it these days.

soaking them up

 i know i keep saying it, but my mornings are so sweet to me and i am just soaking them up with sawyer and levi. i'm trying to say, "yes" as often as i can. we played hide and seek at the playground the other morning. it was TRULY so fun. sometimes i play with them (any of my kids) and i'm somewhere else in my head, or i'm waiting until i've played "long enough" to say, "ok. i have to go do x/y/z." i wish i was better at PLAYING with them. but this day i was. it was a blast. this was one of my hiding places - in the tunnel thing. they couldn't find me :-) i had to say their names.

and this was sawyer and i hiding behind a tree (i was watching levi try to find us - so he didn't just walk and walk and walk!)

quote from sawyer yesterday afternoon: "I'm sweating. That's why I need to eat jelly beans."

now tell me, how can you NOT love being with that kind of stuff?!?

mother's day

i was glad that i didn't have to go to church on mother's day (because i was still in texas with my girlfriends!) i know that sounds horrible. but mother's day is such a PAINFUL day. and every year, when i stand there in church singing the worship songs, i can FEEL the pain around me...of the women that desire to be mom's that can't, or were moms but have lost children, or daughters that can no longer hug or call their mom's. so.much.pain. it takes all i have to not sit down and sob.

i am so blessed. i am a mom. it's all i ever wanted to be, and God has given me the desire of my heart - 6 times over! i am blessed with an amazing mom that i have a great relationship with and that i get to see and hug and laugh with regularly. i have yet to truly experience the pain i feel on this day. i don't know why i feel it so strongly for others (some people in my life tell me i feel TOO STRONGLY. i don't know how to feel "less strongly". i'm thinking it might help me sleep a little better...)

a pain i do feel is for lincoln and levi's birthmom's. i pray for them often...that they will have a peace about their sons. that when they wonder, as i'm CERTAIN they do, about their son's and if they are loved and cared for...that God would let them know WITHOUT A DOUBT that they are. i know He can do that and i trust that He does. but this day is hard...knowing there are 2 mom's out there that have to be (for whatever reason) a world away from the son's they gave birth to...i can't fathom the pain of that.

ANYWAYS. it was a great mother's day. because it started in a place filled with girlfriends and love. and then i spent a good chunk of the day flying and trying not to throw up on the sweet lady next to me. and then my family picked me up at 6:30 pm and said, "where should we eat dinner?" i was so sick it was hard to think (i have motion sickness. bad.) but i chose chipotle and asked if we could just pick it up and bring it home. we did. and it was yummy!

they make me mom. i am so very blessed. not to mention the amazing husband that took care of them all weekend, did laundry for the first time (!!!), the house was clean and the kids were bathed! he ALSO mulched the yard, planted beautiful flowers for me, and planted our garden (that we started from seeds and have been growing inside). AND he took them to the farm to play. and they had a big sleepover all together in the family room. and he taught our sunday school class of 30 3rd graders all by himself. amazing, yes he is!

i had a sweet, sweeet pile of cards and gifts to open!

i couldn't love this picture (and boy!) more!!!

joshua's face is so great here. it's hard to get a REAL smile from him on camera! he was so excited for me to open his card - there are 3 flowers in it that have different chores he will do for me on each one :-)

we seem very serious. it wasn't as serious as it looks. but you do have to be really careful what you say to this boy. he is SO SO literal. no joking, no sarcasm. say what you mean and mean what you say!

sawyer's card that he made for me...

he read it for like 5 minutes. he was making it up as he went. it was so so precious.

a kiss for bailey.

they got closer and closer to me as we went :-) rebekah's was last. she made me a bookmark. oh, i love her.

swooping in at dinner time and opening cards and gifts and then sending them off to bed was a pretty great plan! ;-)

{in addition to the fun athleta shirt pat gave me, he took these pictures - they are so precious to me!}

i am honored to be a mom. especially of the 6 He has given me.

barnhouse reunion 2013

if you've been around this blog for awhile, the barnhouse reunions are something you've heard about.
if you're new, let me explain. eight of us lived together in college. in a house that was called, "the barnhouse." some of us are very similar. some of us are very different. in all kinds of ways. but we love each other. and we love to be together. so we gather as often as we can...usually every year or 18 months. sometimes babies get in the way :-)

we live all over the country. this time we gathered in dallas, texas. i love airports. it's a good thing because mary and i got to hang out in the airport for 4 hours on friday afternoon (our airplane had "mechanical issues" in texas and was delayed getting to virginia. then, when it finally got here, it was delayed further for more "mechanical issues." yes, i was a bit nervous to get on that plane. i was kind of thinking, "um? could we maybe try a plane that isn't having ISSUES?!?" but mary and i were catching up and i was getting to know her sweet baby evelyn and i was more focused on that than the mechanical issues/we might die possibilities. i did email pat and let him know of the heightened possibility of my death. and told him i loved him...A LOT.)

we finally got on the plane...and we didn't die.

it's always so exciting to know you're going away...to have a break from the kids and all that, but i got so SAD that morning! i left them sweet notes. and then i wasn't so sad :-)

we arrived in dallas, texas and this is what we were greeted with. christy's in-laws vacated their home and let us use it for the weekend. it could NOT have been more perfect. it.was.amazing. we were outside in this area except when we were preparing food or sleeping. there was a table to eat our meals at that overlooked a pool/hot tub that overlooked a lake. the weather was PERFECT (80 and sunny).
 

this is it. this is what we do. we talk. we share our hearts. we ask each other questions. we laugh. we cry. i'm sure there are many groups of woment that do this exact same thing. but whenever i'm with them, i think, "how am i this blessed? how did i get to be a part of something like this?"

we stayed up too late. and this was my view when i woke up. i know.

isn't she precious??

breakfast. and we had 3 new children to celebrate!! kate is having her first this summer...

we changed out of our pj's, into our bathing suits (around lunchtime :-)) and moved to the pool. we stayed there until dinner. not joking.

we celebrated ali's little girl that will be coming home from china this summer and michelle's little girl that will be born in july by the pool. now THAT is a fun shower, huh?

christy went overboard pampering us. she had these notecards set out for each of us. we wrote a note to each person in it. i read mine on the plane on the way home (what was i thinking?) and had to go to the bathroom i was sobbing so hard. she also secretly contacted our husbands and had them write and mail letters THERE for us to receive! so sweet! and every meal was so well thought out and yummy!

 

she even called her husband back into town on saturday afternoon to make us more guacamole :-)

i was still struggling with my stupid cold. it was making me feel pretty bad. the hardest part was the constant headache from the coughing. late saturday afternoon, my headache got pretty bad (combined with the sunshine and heat and thinking so hard about everyone's beautiful lives). i had to step back, lay on a pool chair and close my eyes for a little while to try to relax my head.

laying there, looking up at a brilliant blue sky, with the voices and laughter of the girls that have known me and loved me for so long...through so many stages of my life, i enjoyed just taking it in. i let the waves of thankfulness wash over me.

we decided to not go out to dinner as we had originally planned. we had enough food leftover from the night before for another dinner and chose to just move to the table and eat there.

hot tub for some of us later that night. we were all there, just a couple got in!

 these girls are such a treasure to my heart.

from left to right: ali, michelle, me, becca, kathy (holding mary's baby), mary, kate, christy

you wanted to see them again, right? good. because i did too :-)

i was completely obnoxious and made each of them take a picture with me. i'm so glad i did.

michelle and i - she is such a good communicator and asks the best questions. i learn so much about myself when i'm around her!

kate and i - she is about to be a MOM and i could not be more excited for her!! she is going to be an amazing one!

kathy and i - she is such a strong woman and so content with the life God has given her. i'm always encouraged when i'm with her.

becca and i - she is the FUNNEST! and is such a good listener. our lives couldn't look much different, yet she is so good at listening and caring.

mary and i - she lives the closest to me, yet we hardly ever see each other - boo! she is the sweetest, most gracious friend.

christy and i - we all learned that she is QUITE the cook/planner/hostess this weekend!! that is a gift that has grown in her over the last few years and she was amazing at it! she makes me laugh so hard. and she makes you feel like you are the most special, amazing person ever created. i love her.

ali and i - it was blurry, but black and white always "fixes" that :-) the paths our lives have taken have kept us close...and growing closer all the time. i'm so thankful for her strength and support and encouragement. i know that i can be "REAL" with each of these girls...but because ali and i see each other the most, she has seen and knows quite a bit of the "real" Courtney, and loves me anyways.

it was so good for me to get away. to have 48 hours where i wasn't thinking about if levi has gone to the bathroom in the last hour or not (should i make him go now?) or feeling my stomach turn into knots because dinner is almost here and every meal is so stressful for me or if i rubbed bailey's arm enough so that she feels loved. my brain was still busy and thinking and loving lots of people -which is what i feel like it does all day (and night sometimes!) long. but i transferred it from pat and my kids to these girls and it sure was nice!!

and i arrived home on mother's day which made my family SUPER excited to see me! that was so so fun!!!