Friday, August 6, 2010

raw honesty

we found out yesterday that we have to wait longer to get to our boys.
at this point it will most likely be next summer before we can go and get them.
{it was an afternoon of that plus the dishwasher breaking plus our computer having a virus plus pat working late plus a couple other things not going as planned but THIS was definitely the hardest part...the rest just fed my emotions. it was all i could do to get my kids to bed without either screaming at them or breaking down and sobbing.}

i'm mad and frustrated and disappointed.

but, mostly, i'm so sad.
so, so sad.

i'm telling myself that it's all out of my control.
and it's all in His perfect timing.
and i have 4 beautiful children to mother.
WHY am i in such a rush to add 2 more??

because they are already MINE!

for those that have been pregnant, once you find out, you just can't wait to meet them, right??

well, i'm "pregnant" in my heart with these 2 boys {i never understood this you can really feel so strongly for a child that you've never SEEN! now i do.} and i just can't wait to meet them.

we were told up front this would happen.
the rwanda program is new.
delays are to be expected.

but it doesn't make it any easier.

i feel lonely in this.
i need some REAL encouragement right now.
this is hard.
i've cried numerous times today.
{i let myself listen to "How Great is Our God" by Shane Bernard with the African Children's Choir...not good...ugly crying...}
i'm battling a migraine which i think is being caused by my hurting heart fighting with my practical mind. they are NOT agreeing.

many of you won't understand this.
but i want to share this whole journey with you.

it's been amazing.
and beautiful.
but it's also heart-wrenching.


Julie said...

Lord Jesus, please be with my sweet friend Courtney... please hold her close and comfort her in a way only you can. Give her the peace that surpasses all understanding and help her to cling to you during this time. Lord, you are a God that hears our prayers, and we do pray for Courtney to be content in all circumstances. It is so much easier said than done. Please hug her close and bring people in her life right now that can speak true encouragement into her life... words that she can HEAR and that will minister to her heart. And thank you Lord for blessing these two little boys with such and amazing mom, dad and siblings. You have given them such a beautiful gift in this family... their family. Thank you Lord that your timing is perfect and that we can rejoice in all circumstances even though we don't understand. Please make your truths reality for Courtney, heal her migraine, let her cry, let her feel... and hold her as she does all these things. In your precious name, Amen.

Wish I could be there... hugs to you

Beckysblog said...

oh I can imagine the disappointment and anger and sadness. Its the world's longest pregnancy. Longer than an elephant!
Praying for your heart as you wait and for your boys as they dream of you!

Vanderpool days said...

Know that you are not alone, we're waiting and praying right along with you! There are many of us who want a miracle from God that sends out referrals TODAY! It is so hard, Matt and I had a long talk about it last night, but we can lift one another up in prayer and give all the love we have pent up to the little ones we have at home now.
Sarah Vanderpool

Tisha said...

I'm so sorry Courtney.

Kim said...

oh courtney-i am so sorry. you wrote ME such a kind email yesterday when the whole time YOU were hurting so badly. we are praying for you guys and those sweet little boys!! (and i am praying for your head too because i too am fighting a migraine today and so i know how your head is feeling)

Alison McLennan said...

I feel your pain, Courtney. It's a daily struggle, some days easier than others, but all of them with that underlying (and sometimes overwhelming) ache to have our children - ALL of our children - home with us. I keep reminding myself that God is never surprised, and His sovereign timeline never changes. He's with us right now, and with our babies, and with the people at the ministry. He knows exactly where our dossiers are and when they will be touched. I don't know why He does things the ways He does them, but I'm more certain than ever that it's in the waiting that we learn the most valuable lessons. My heart wasn't ready for my child when I submitted my dossier 8 months ago. I thought it was, but it's so much softer now. So much more broken, as it should be. Just hold onto Isaiah 55:9-11 and James 1:2-4. And Psalm 13. These are verses I've memorized during the wait, and saying them aloud helps me. I will continue to pray for you and for all of us who are persevering. You're not alone, sister. Remember that we serve the God who sees.

Kate and Geoff said...

oh my sweet friend, how disappointing. it's ok to be sad about it. here's praying that on the other side of this bout of sadness will be the grace, trust, peace, space and breathing that you posted about on Wednesday. I bet you've been learning about those things to help you get through this. i love you.

Michelle said...

Oh Courtney, I am so sorry about this most recent delay....I pray that God would sustain you while you wait for this very good thing that He is bringing to your family.

anthonyandbeth said...

Courtney, I don't know how you are feeling, I only can imagine it and in what I can imagine I know you must be so heavyhearted at this time. It's not a surprise to me that you do have a migraine. I'll be praying for you and Pat, praying for you as you continue to be mom to your 4 at home with half of your heart and mind in a completely different place, praying somehow it will come together sooner, praying for peace, praying that God will bring people into your life who have been on or are currently on this journey...people who CAN relate and CAN encourage you, and praying that God will remind you EVERY DAY how He is caring for you and your heart...that you will be so confident of His loving arms around you and that you will find rest in Him.

beckley said...

oh courtney. i'm so sorry.
i'm so, so sorry.

many a moment i find myself staring at that blue gate and wanting to open it for you. i can't see past it, but i know who's i there. i so want to remove that blue gate.

i'm so sorry.
i'm so, so sorry.

grace and peace be with you amidst this pain.

veronica said...

Hang in there Courtney! It does seem like a long way away however it will be a distant memory once they arrive! Enjoy the four little ones that are in your presence now. All things do happen for a reason and we don't always know why until afterwards. Remember you have so many people that you can confide in and people who will help get you through this. My thoughts and prayers are headed your way. Those boys will be forever held close even if they are not with you!

Mandy said...

praying, so sorry.

Chase and Laura Bowers said...

You are not alone in your pain. A friend told me at the beginning of this journey to feel every ounce of longing, to not try and explain it away, but to accept the invitation into the garden and "suffer with Him." I have found it to be a hard, sometimes overwhelming place, but God has met me as I have let my heart be broken for what breaks His. This should be hard, he hates injustice and one day He will set it all right, but until then may we long and ache and weep and plead for him to redeem our kids in that orphanage and bring them home to us. Continue to be real with those around you- let them into the hurt and pain- and so show them the heart of our Father. He loves your boys and he loves you. May your hope be firmly rooted in the only one who is worthy. Love, prayers and understanding coming your way from a fellow AWAA mom in Texas!

Allie said...

I'm with you, Courtney. It does feel lonely especially when there's no one right there who is feeling it with you. It's so, so hard. It just is. And I know what you mean about trying to be present with the kids already in your home. I don't want to wish the days away or live in the future, where I can have all three of my children together, because if I do that, I'm wishing away my boys' childhood days. It's a tension we have to walk. Hope in the future; grace in the present. Prayers, friend.

Megan said...

I am so very sad for you right now. I love you!!! Am praying for you. And I love you. And God's timing is always perfect, even when it is not OUR timing. But that doesn't help right now. Love you!!!

Holly said...

I don't even know what to say.
I'm sad with you and praying for you.
It WILL happen. I KNOW it.

Amy said...

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you.

Renee said...

I've been a little out of touch with the blog world lately, but I just read your post and wanted to tell you that you are not alone! I'm so sorry that you will be waiting longer. I know it's so hard. We had so many disappointments and setbacks along the way. 99% of people adopting do. The agency "prepares" us for this but when it happens it still rocks our world. I don't need to tell you God is in control...that he has a perfect know that. But I wanted to say that there are people who can totally understand your pain and empathize. I remember feeling like no one understood. It IS hard. God will pull you through it. I'm praying for you.