who i am, part 6 :: 31 days

i just re-read "who i am, part 5" to remind myself where i left off. ha! i thought that time period was "so hard"...it was NOTHING compared to this next part of my life...2007-the present. i didn't realize how long it had been since i posted in this series and there is a LOT to cover!

if you need to catch up:

 who i am, part 1

who i am, part 2

who i am, part 3

who i am, part 4

who i am, part 5

i have 2 reasons for telling my story here...not just the "who i am" posts, but every day...the big and little stuff:
1. my BIGGEST reason is for my kids. when they grow up and realize that i was a person, a woman, a friend, a wife at the same time that i was their mom, and they wonder what i was like as those things, this will be here for them to read...for them to see how i struggled, for how i rejoiced, for how i yearned and prayed for them, for how i enjoyed them (and enjoyed time without them!), for how i loved their dad, and, hopefully most of all, for how i always sought my Father and His will for my days.
2. for you. i am blessed when others are honest about their lives...when people are willing to be real and share what is really going on in their hearts and minds. it challenges and encourages me and that is why i share my story.

"Your heartache is someone else's hope. If you make it through, 

somebody else is going to make it through.  Tell your story." 

Kim McManus

i left off when we moved into our current home and had 3 sweet kids. this was my life...these 3. oh, these were sweet, sweet days.

it was during this time that God started speaking LOUDLY to my heart...about the least of these, the orphan. a childhood friend adopted 2 children from Sierra Leone. even though she lived on the other side of the country, God used her/their story to rip open something in my heart that i didn't even know was there. i always knew i wanted to be a mom, but i didn't "always want to adopt" like so many adoptive moms i know. but, when i watched the lander's journey, it was like God put a FIRE in my heart and i was certain that this is what we needed to do. i mean, we LOVE being parents, we certainly had the space and resources to care for more children, why WOULDN'T we?!?

um. pat didn't really agree. at.all.

he finally said that we could have a 4th child - either adopt or biologically. but i hadn't gone through bailey's pregnancy knowing it was my last, so i HAD to be pregnant again. so we did that route...and i prayed that God would change my heart towards adopting in our own family. during sawyer's pregnancy, we had quite a scare...from a sonogram they saw some "concerning" things and for a couple weeks we weren't sure what issues our baby might have as he/she was born. it was certainly a faith-building couple weeks...and we had to get to the point of TRULY giving our child to God and releasing any control we might have thought we had. i remember one night, as i was a MESS about it all, pat took me in his arms and said, "WE ARE GOING TO BE OK. no matter what happens, WE ARE GOING TO BE OK." it was huge for my heart. and it was NOT the last time he said that during the next 6 years of our life. but, sawyer ended up being born PERFECTLY healthy and i think that scare during his pregnancy has given he and i a special bond that i love with every fiber of my mother's heart.

 so....a couple weeks (!!!) after sawyer was born, i brought the topic of adoption back up with pat. not the best timing, huh?? ha! i continued to talk about it...it was just SO HEAVY on my heart...i heard things EVERYwhere that seemed to say, "YES, this is what I have for you." yet my husband was saying, "no." i was SO confused. after a few months, i decided that this (adopting) was something that we BOTH had to be 100% in agreement on...manipulating my way into his agreement was NOT the way i wanted to do it. so, i continued to pray MORE fervently that God would change my heart...it did NOT seem like pat's heart could be changed. i stopped talking to pat about it and prayed my heart out. six months later, pat came to me and said that we were going to adopt...and 2 children. talk about surprised!

just because you probably want to know what i was getting to kiss and cuddle all these months while i waited for clarity from God...and as we started the process. i forgot how roly-poly sawyer was as a baby!!

pat and i each had our own separate fears as we took this step forward. and God met all our fears with confirmation and encouragement. just 1 example: pat's biggest fear was the money. the first check we had to write was for $1500 to our agency to submit our application. the DAY we mailed that in, i got a check in the mail for $1500 EXACTLY for a volunteer job that i had been doing for our church for YEARS and this year they just happened to decide to thank me with a gift. i mean!!! amazing, right??

things like that happened many times and always RIGHT when we needed it. and not always money. all kinds of things! watching God care for us in such tangible ways was such a sweet journey.

the paperwork in the adoption process is intense and extensive. but that's my kind of thing, so it was kind of a fun game for me.

the first year of the process, as we were filling out paperwork and getting physicals and waiting on approvals from our government, it was exciting and fun. we had a HUGE yard sale, we dreamt of our boys, and we knew it was going to be a little while so we weren't anxiously waiting...yet...

and then, in august of 2009, rwanda announced that they were "closed." that you could no longer adopt from there. our dossier had been sitting there for 2 months at this point, we knew we were in for a 18 month or so wait. but now?? we had NO idea what this meant. there were differing answers...maybe they would fulfill the dossiers they already had accepted? and just weren't accepting any new ones. or maybe they wouldn't fulfill ANY of the dossiers that they had. WE JUST DIDN'T KNOW. and it was so so so hard.

from that point until march of 2010, i was depressed. it took until christmas time for me to admit it, and then it still "had me" for a few more months.  i struggled so so much that winter/early spring. the darkness of those days were so awful - i wouldn't wish that on ANYONE. waking up and just having that HEAVY feeling weigh your heart down from the second you open your eyes. not feeling like myself. finding it SO hard to just do the simplest things. by far the darkest period of my life...yet nothing "tragic" was happening, so it felt ridiculous at the same time.

i remember the day that "it" left. i actually talked to a counselor on the phone - that happens to be a great friend. his wisdom and prayer over me were powerful. and the second i hung up the phone, "it" was gone. and never came back.

for days (even weeks?) after "it" left, i would wake up and put my feet on the floor and kind of wince as i walked to the bathroom...just waiting for "it" to come back...and was so relieved every morning that it wasn't there!! i still think about that many mornings when i wake up and feel like myself from the minute i open my eyes. i don't take it for granted. at all.

i hate thinking back on that time. it was dark and i feel badly for my family (and anyone around me, really) that had to put up with me. i was a mess.

but i do know God was in it. i could feel Him. He was with me.

so, march 2011 my depression lifted.
then i broke my foot (!!)
april 4, 2011 we got our approval from rwanda!
may 2, 2011 we got our referral and saw lincoln and levi's faces for the first time
june 12-july 2, 2011 we (pat, me, hannah {my amazing sister}, rebekah, joshua and bailey) went to africa to meet and bring lincoln and levi home

it seems like every few years the last decade or so i think were the "hardest time of my life"...and then the next couple years happen and they were even harder. but, still, the past 2 years have been, BY FAR, the hardest, most stretching, brutal couple years of my life.

i needed that solid ground that God built in my heart during those dark days of depression the winter before to get through what the next couple years were going to be like.

taking 2 children that were born in separate families and that were painfully removed from those families and lived in a setting that was NOT a family for most of their lives; and then removing them from the only setting they've known and taking them to a new country, a new culture and a new family is a pretty drastic ordeal. for everyone.

we had no idea.

yes, we read the books and did the homework. but, just like you don't know what labor is going to REALLY be like until you go through it, you just can't know what adoption will be like until you go through it. 

i've since been told that adopting a 4 year old is THE hardest age. {I CONCUR!} i'm SURE there are harder situations than we dealt with - i've seen it! but age 4 is hard...they are old enough to remember things from "before" but they aren't old enough to be able to process and talk about any of it with you.

if you are a parent, think of everything you taught your child from the age 0-age 4. then try to comprehend the things that they picked up from you without you teaching them (example: how to use a fork, how to sit in a chair to eat, that books are to read and not rip into a million pieces.) we started with a 4 year old that didn't learn a THING besides the very basic survival skills. he shoveled food in his mouth with both hands and pat had to use all his strength to hold him in his lap during the meals as we ate out in africa. he didn't speak a word of our language, had never experienced a family and was 100% out for himself.


the first 6 months were so so hard. he tantrummed and screamed a lot of the day. we didn't understand him and he didn't understand us.  we tried to love him amidst it all, but, honestly, he didn't leave much room for it as we spent close to all of our time trying to make sure he didn't run away, or hurt himself or one of his siblings, or break something that i didn't even know could be broken (one of the stories that is funny - now! - is one day when i walked down the stairs after taking a shower. and he was sitting at the front window - the window was open so there was just a screen. he had torn a hole through the screen and the front room was littered with leaves from the bush right outside the window. technically, i had never let him know that you "shouldn't tear a hole through a screen" :-) it always amazed us the damage he could cause to something - he was very creative and curious.) our other children were so gracious and amazing as we spent 90% of our time on one child. they got so little from us...and what they did get was completely exhausted, frustrated parents.

the above picture is from a couple months in. i took the kids to a high school football game. and i can remember being terrified that lincoln was going to lose it over something - we never knew what would set him off. but i wanted something "fun" and "normal" for my other kids. so i took the chance. it's good to remember that...because it's NOT the case anymore. he doesn't throw fits over "nothing." thank you, Jesus!

i have to move on. it's just still really painful to think about those days.

things have slowly calmed down. he doesn't throw those tantrums anymore. it gradually dwindled to once a week...then once a month...and now i can't remember the last one.

food is really the only constant lingering issue...for both of them. it makes me sad. food used to be fun in our family...lots of great memories over food. now it's painful...stressful...NOT fun. if i choose to stress over it and control it - then they do what is expected of them. if i choose to not stress and just let things happen - then inappropriate behavior runs rampant. there's not a good choice there, you know? i'm sad about this...and just not sure what else to say.

in addition to dealing with lincoln's brokenness, i've had to come face to face with my own in new ways. it's been painful and has threatened to break me apart at times, but God has been faithful. He has shown me what HIS love looks like, especially through Pat as he's loved me through my ugliness. i have come to understand my deep, deep need for a Savior and His deep, deep grace for me and i stand amazed.

i'd love to say that it's beautiful now, that God has redeemed it all and we are all great.

but we're not.

i'm not sure we ever will be.

every analogy comes apart at some point but...just like God chose to take us on - messiness and all, we've chosen to take Lincoln and Levi into our family as sons. we are committed to them. they are a part of our family and we will never stop fighting for them. i will never stop praying for the redemption of their lives to come on this side of heaven...for them to "get" and KNOW how loved they are...for them to believe and trust in the love of their family...and, ultimately, God.  i will try to never stop hoping (i struggle with this...)

i cling to words like these: 

"You should never doubt your prayer, thinking that it might have been in vain, for I tell you truly that before you have uttered the words, the prayer is already recorded in heaven. Therefore you should confidently expect from God one of two things: either that your prayer will be granted, or, that if it is not granted, that granting of it would not be good for you."

Martin Luther

how can a love between a mother and her son - in both directions - NOT be good?? i trust that it will come in His time...

but, we are a family of 8 now. it's messy at times. but we play together. and eat together. and fight together. and go on bike rides together. we cheer for each other. and hug each other.

our kids still ask if we can adopt more children, so i think they are all fine, overall. :-)

pat and i are great. this is definitely the kind of stress that could make or break a marriage. thankfully, he has chosen to pull me in close and work together as a team. i could not be more thankful for the man that he is...as a son of His Father, as a husband, and as a dad.

in addition to adding 2 children to our family in the last couple years, we've also moved out of baby stage (no crib! no high chair! no diapers! no sippy cups!) and into the pre-teen stage. thankfully, rebekah is an unbelievable girl and has gracefully entered into it. we are so amazed by her and her maturity. we are adjusting to kids being awake past 8 pm, and lots of ears listening to our conversations at all times - especially in the car (that used to be some of the sweetest conversations...)

i can't get through a single day without His help. i am so far out of my capabilities it's really not funny.


that is a beautiful, frustrating, sweet and painful place to be.

so, that's "who i am" up to 2013 :-)

{joining in here}

my other posts are here