Tuesday, February 2, 2016

it's been awhile

it's been awhile, too long, since I've written from my heart here.

I have a few minutes. and i'm choosing to write with them. lately, I've chosen lots of other things. and they've been good decisions. but today I choose to write.

life is good. no. no, that's not true. there are lots of "good" things in our lives...our health, our home, our family, and on and on. but life in this world is full of pain. the kind you can see and is appropriate to talk about. and the kind that isn't.

i'm not going to go down that trail today, though.

in our home, in our family, we are in a pretty routine kind of place (if you can call transitioning to watching a 5 month old full-time "routine" - ha! maybe we just have gotten better at going with the flow?)

I've finally come to admit that we are in a new stage. and we're not leaving this stage anytime soon. the one where our kids often stay up later than us. and pat and I have to LEAVE the house to get time to talk. I have fought this tooth and nail. but 14 year olds don't have 8 o'clock bedtimes. boo. I miss my time with Pat. and being "done" at 8 pm. and it makes me cranky sometimes. {lots of times}. but i'm trying to adjust. pat and I have never been good at "date nights"...but we are now. EVERY Monday night, we go out. just for a drink at Panera. but we get out and can have a conversation without listening ears :-).

i miss my "read through the Bible in a year" plan. i'm trying to get into the habit of something new...that dives deeper instead of cruising through the Bible so fast. but i'm not sticking to it like i did the 1 year Bible plan. and, man, do i need some TRUTH to get in my head and heart in the middle of my day. i'm still trying to figure it out...

5 years ago this winter, i was struggling with depression. it took me awhile to know what i was dealing with. and even longer to admit it. it lasted 6 months and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...that darkness. every winter since then, I've struggled with little fringes of it...during those dark, dark days that winter is made up of. it was never as bad as that first year, but it was always there. but this year?? NOTHING. no darkness. i haven't had to pull out my "happy light" once ;-) i still wake up most mornings and, before i even open my eyes, i can tell my heart is light. and i thank GOD that He has chosen to let this winter be light for me. i do NOT take it for granted. it's not circumstantial...there were "easier" winters that should have been "lighter" on my heart...and this winter could easily send me into darkness. but depression doesn't really care about circumstances. at least from what I've experienced. i'm just thankful every.single.day that it's a winter of light for me. and i pray for those that are struggling with that darkness. it's enveloping and suffocating and awful.

i'm out of time. off to feed a baby and pick up kids from school and help with homework and make lunches. and dinner. and play chutes and ladders (i got beat twice yesterday...I've got to win today!) i'm always hopeful i might squeeze in a little yoga in the afternoons. and never do. it's always good to dream big, right?? ;-)

happy Tuesday! i pray yours is full of LIGHT today!

1 comment:

K said...

We're in the same "stage" where our oldest is up later than or as late as us and I know it's just the beginning. I struggle with wanting to fight against it/knowing I should engage her because it seems to be the prime time that she wants to talk all about how practice or youth group went! It's a hard change, mostly because I never anticipated it!