Friday, December 18, 2015

last hours of 2015. part 2.

i kinda dislike sorry about that! i'm usually a "spit it right out" girl.

i've missed sharing my heart here. a lot. mostly, i haven't been able to because i only have so many hours in my day. i use to carve out the time to be here. but, in all honesty, this is lower on my priority list these days and i think that's a good thing. but i do miss the processing that my heart does by writing here. and i'm hopeful maybe i can squeeze it in more in the new year?  my kids LOVE the books that come out of this. and i think there are a few of you out there that still check in, and i love that. and YOU! so so much.
yesterday, rebekah didn't have basketball practice. being on the high school team, it's a HUGE commitment. either a game or practice every day (except sunday). and except yesterday! i was so looking forward to it! and i ruined it. i had too many things that *had* to get done and i did and did and did. and also tried to be *fun mom* and let them make cookies...and i hit a wall that was ugly. i've gotten so much better at knowing my limits and making sure i stay far from them so that i have extra to give if Jesus asks me to. but yesterday i did it all in my own strength and turned into impatient, my kids are scared to ask me a question, mom. :(  i hate that. a lot. i went to bed feeling so defeated. like i had ruined the only day i'm ever going to have with rebekah in her whole life (for real!) but, like every day, i woke up to His new mercies. and am moving on. i could easily let today go the same way (last day before break! so much to do!) but i won't. at least i hope i won't. ;)
as i look forward to 2016, i truly haven't spent a ton of time thinking about it. but i do, like most people, have goals to take better care of my body. i'd LOVE to get to a place of balance in my nutrition and my exercise. i can swing from one side of the pendulum to the other, and neither is good. i so wish God would heal me from all my food/body issues! but, until then, i will continue to fight for His truth and to see myself the way He sees me.

i also just really desire to obey. to obey what God calls me to do in each moment of the life He's given me. i am on track to finish reading through the Bible in 2 weeks (started Jan 1,'s been SUCH a huge blessing!) and i've been struck OVER and OVER how much obedience is talked about in the Bible...and how much pain we can avoid if we just choose to obey. TRUST and OBEY.
 i feel like this might be anti-climatic for you after leaving you hanging yesterday.

but, the day my kids go back to school on January 4, i will start watching a little 4 month old baby girl all day long. every day.

you might remember my friend, denise. her husband was killed early this year (in january) and then she found out she was pregnant. he never knew. well, her little girl arrived in september and she's been home with her since then. but, in order to support her 4 kids (plus her husband's 2 kids!) she has to go back to work. daycare isn't really in the budget. so i offered to help her out. i am so honored...that she is allowing me and trusting me to take care of sweet Corey.

i know God has asked me to do this. it definitely was a decision that i thought through. but it wasn't a hard decision. God calls us to love each other. God calls us to care for the widow. so i will.

but it will be a sacrifice. i'm not worried about the sacrifice i'm making. what keeps me up at night is the sacrifice my kids are making by sharing me. i think it will be a fun, sweet sacrifice for some of my kids ( but i worry about how it will effect my boys that are quiet about what they need (sawyer...joshua) from me. i worry that, by laying my life down for my friend, i will fail my own children. that is my greatest fear and what i would covet your prayers for. in my *good* moments, i am reminded that i can trust Him to take care of my kids better than i ever could. that He can meet their needs perfectly. and that i still get to be WITH my sweet friend Denise would give ANYthing to be able to be with Corey (and all her kids!) instead of having to go to work. i would just love to know that everything is going to be ok...that we are all going to be great, even.

but we have chosen to walk closely with our friends. and it's a messy, messy situation. they are NOT going to be ok this side of heaven. they just aren't. the brokenness they feel will always be there. we can't fix it. but we can walk with them and let them know they aren't alone.

just like when we brought lincoln and levi home...and didn't really know the effects it would have on our other kids...we know God will be in it all. i pray He uses it to draw each of us closer to Him.

but if you want to pray that my kids don't feel like they've *lost* their mom, i'd love that prayer to be granted also ;-)

i do so look forward to watching this sweet baby girl. to getting to hold her and kiss her and feed her and love on her. pray for the transition for denise, especially. it is going to be SO hard for her to leave Corey and go to work. pray for Corey...she's going to miss her mom!! and pray for me and my kids as we adjust to a new normal around here.

i'd love to say i'll be here some in the next 2 weeks, but i make no promises. :-)

merry christmas!!!


Mandy said...

You are inspiring. And, yes, definitely praying.

Liza said...

Just wanted you to know that "some of us" are still definitely checking in :) And will be praying for you as you give this incredible gift. I was laughing at the first part of this blog and you celebrating being done wiping bottoms and giving baths when I have just started! I will feel more connected to you than ever - and would soak up an advice you offered! - as we both stay home and take care of four month olds in the new year :) Love and Christmas blessings to all of you, Liza (and Jack!) Bush :)

Barbara Cassada said...

Courtney, what a wonderful friend you are to care for Corey! God's love is shining through your actions!

Amy said...

Still checking in. And still amazed by you and your heart for others. :)