Thursday, December 17, 2015

some thoughts in my last hours of 2015. part 1.

i know i won't finish because i have 16 minutes until i get to go pick up my kids from school. and it's raining so maybe 15 because i have to find my i know there will be a "part 2". ha!

my kids last day of school for 2015 is tomorrow. once they get home tomorrow afternoon, we have 2 full weeks together! and i'm excited about that. not every single minute of it. but, i'm mostly excited, which is a miracle.

3 years ago this time, i was in such a dark place. it lasted for months. and the following 2 winters, i felt it, too. not as deeply. but it was there. but this year? it's not! i don't know why. i haven't "done" anything differently. but i wake up with the same joy and peace that i have in july (ok. ok. maybe not EXACTLY. i mean, the BEACH!!) but close :-) i don't have to FIGHT to get out of bed. i don't have to FIGHT to smile. i just feel like ME, and i'm so so thankful. seriously, every day i wake up, it feels like a GIFT, because i know what the day could feel like. and it doesn't.

my kids are growing up. did you know that? goodness. i can't stand it. but it's also awesome. they can all go outside and just play. they all take showers on their own. they all wipe their own bottoms! i put in my time...for SURE! and there is a trade-off (TEENAGERS!) but i'm just enjoying who my kids are right now.
and i love all their friends, too! we are so blessed by the neighbors we have.
i'll have more thoughts on the year as a whole in "part 2"...but one of the big ways my heart has grown is in the area of expectations. and it's greatly effected how this christmas season has been. i have struggled with having too many and too high of expectations my whole life. but i feel like i'm finally learning and growing in this area and, goodness, is it freeing! holding plans and expectations loosely make ALL the difference. it's still an ongoing conversation in this little head of mine, "i know, i know. you wanted to finish that. but she's talking to you and you need to stop. it will be there tomorrow. she might not want to talk to you tomorrow." but it's becoming more and more natural to me. i love how we are constantly growing and changing!
thinking ahead to 2016, and what that means for me, is something i'm also holding loosely. i know i'll keep seeking Jesus. i'll keep my eyes on Him no matter what. i have no idea what the year holds. but i do know He will be there.
this morning was the last morning levi and i had together. it's been a sweet, sweet season with him. tomorrow we'll be running around. then the kids will be home for 2 weeks. and then, well, things are going to be different but i'm not going there yet.

but this morning was so sweet. it was quiet. i let him watch a show !! while i cleaned the bathroom. we talked. it was slow and sweet. i soaked it in, but didn't get over-emotional about it. God is in all of it. today and a month from now.
i'm out of time. part 2 tomorrow. i'm sure my emotions will be a little more heightened with the anticipation...and probably a couple cookies in me ;-)

1 comment:

Jill said...

I love reading your blog. Every bit of it! Haven't made the time to reply to your email... but I WANT I had to comment. ;) Praising God for this place of JOY He has you in. It's amazing. And I "get" so much of how you are wired... or at least I think I do as I read electronically, not knowing you personally, but I identify with so much. Praise God for His streams of living water flowing through you. It makes me smile and brings Him much glory. Thank you for carving out the time to share your heart.