tension

it has been a constant state of tension in my mind and heart since we've been back from haiti.

my words aren't flowing easily here in this place. but i want to remember these days...the processing of this tension.

this is going to be a whole lotta pics from the last couple weeks and a whole lotta thoughts from all over the place :-)

2 weeks ago we were just arriving home. the first few days i was thinking about those children in haiti constantly. every minute. i could see their smiles and hear their voices. i'm already thinking about them less (still ALL the time but...) and it makes me sad. but i also have kids right in front of me that NEED me. bailey, in particular, is screaming for attention these days and i will do all i can to meet her hurting heart where it is. see? TENSION.

{in the midst of our crazy mornings, do crazy hairstyles isn't easy. but i made it happen. and she loved it.}

i taught levi how to play Uno. and he totally got it! and it made me wonder, "have i EVER played a game with JUST him?!?" ugh. i yearn to help those kids that had never played Memory before at the age of 16...but i have one hear that needs me, too! TENSION.

this was the scene in my kitchen the other afternoon around 4:30 pm. all 6 kids were home. some were in the basement playing football, one was in her room practicing guitar, one was at the computer doing homework. after so many years of them being ON TOP OF ME, they aren't anymore. they just aren't. and i don't really miss it. i mean, i LOVE holding a sweet baby, but this is a precious stage, too! they can entertain themselves. i'm always in this space...in the kitchen...and they come in and out constantly and i'm GLAD to help and listen as they do. but making dinner in peace with the sweet noises of them from a distance all over the house is pretty great! {and dangerous...because then my mind has time to THINK...TENSION!}

this girl. i ADORE her. teenagers are great so far {but i think she is spoiling us...}

ah...no tension here. just TRUE friendship. one that has chosen to love me through some of my pretty ugly moments. so thankful for her!

rebekah asked for a fun hairstyle :-)

ALL our sports were cancelled one evening last week...so we took a walk to a new (to us) trail/creek.

i LOVE watching them in settings like this. they just do their thing. work together. make a plan. move stuff around. make bridges. make up games. it's amazing.

and then you look up to a moment that takes your breath away.

this past friday dawned beautiful and warmed up to a sunny, 70* afternoon. it was incredible and my mood was lifted HIGH. i sat in the backyard in the sun for a whole 15 minutes. just soaking it UP! it was incredible.

lincoln, sawyer and levi cleaning the porch. everyone has some new chores for the fall. :-)

friday afternoon wasn't technically a "friend friday" but it kinda morphed into one. which made me happy. i said lots of "yes's" (can i ask ____ to come over? can i paint my pumpkin? can he stay for dinner? can we go on a bike ride?) and it was awesome for all of us.

anxiously waiting for dinner to finish cooking

and the afternoon ushered in the evening with THIS.

friday night lights :-)

my parents came to the game. my dad helping bailey do cartwheels...

saturday evening. grilled pizza. duck dynasty. all of us together. perfection.

sunday morning i got to get together with a friend that lives too far away. we made GOOD use of our hour together!

then at church, pat and pete got to share about our trip to haiti! pat did NOT like this part...but we got to talk to a lot of people after the services and that part was fun for us.

we are so thankful for our church and the support of everyone there for our friends in haiti. they decided to do "operation christmas child" boxes for the kids we visited! we had cards out for that...and they ALL got taken after the first service!

i have struggled in the new routine this school year. i know what i am doing is RIGHT. and i do it out of obedience. and even act like i'm happy about it, but my heart tells me the truth. i don't believe that life is about "being happy" or that it's even something we should strive for. but it's been a walk of obedience to get up each day and do something that, honestly, i'm not happy about.

it's such a TENSION. because i truly enjoy the teaching part. i am a teacher. it makes me feel alive. but there is so much behind the fact that i'm sitting there teaching them every morning that gets my heart all jacked up. and most days that jacked up heart wins and i just walk through it in obedience. but today i ENJOYED it. every moment. every bit. the sun was streaming through the windows. we learned and laughed and it was just GOOD. i was so thankful for those hours!

i saw this version of Hebrews 6:15 this past weekend, and have decided it's my heart's cry for this year in this place with these 2...

"And so it was that she, having waited long and endured patiently, 

realized and obtained what God had promised."