terrifying, yet full of peace

big change happening around here.

short version:
this fall has been so hard since lincoln has been back in school.
his actions at school, and the resulting stress/tension/darkness at home was destroying our family and all of our relationships. something HAD to change.
i asked God, "what?!?" He answered. i didn't like the answer. but...
i will be doing something i said i'd NEVER EVER do (don't say you'll NEVER EVER do anything. or else you'll probably do it :-))
we are pulling lincoln out of school and i'm going to be homeschooling him. at least for the remainder of his 1st grade year.
today is his last day of school.

long version:
lincoln has always been obsessed with food.
at home, we are "used to" it and we have our rules and guidelines and things, for the most part, are ok.
{for those that are also dealing with these issues - because i know you're reading :-) some of the guidelines at home are: he isn't allowed in the kitchen, he can't throw trash away, he sits next to sawyer at the table and paces his meal off of how far along sawyer is in his meal - so he doesn't eat too fast, if one of us is gone and the other is going to be engaged in something (taking a shower, in the basement working on something, etc., he comes with us so we can see him) and we are always watching EVERY move he makes. yet there are still issues sometimes. but not often.}
for those that aren't dealing with these issues. i know that all sounds a bit crazy. it's not. trust me.

lincoln's obsession (addiction, compulsion - pick your word) with food has made school very very difficult for us all. all year last year - from the first week to the last week, and again this school year - every single day of the last 3 months, he has done SOMETHING to get food from SOMEWHERE that is not his. on the floor, in trashcans, in his lunchbox before lunch, in other people's lunchboxes, making friends give him food at lunch, on his teacher's desk, from the box in the hallway with food given for the soldier's. the school has been incredible in dealing with it all. they have continued to talk "strategies" with him and gave him chances to make better choices. but, eventually, they also put in place guidelines at school like we do at home (not allowed out of his seat in the classroom or cafeteria, his lunchbox locked in a box until lunchtime, at his own table at lunch, walking right next to the teacher whenever he is up and moving around) yet he still finds ways to steal food from others.VERY often, there are a few days that pass where he insists he's made "good choices"...and then the truth comes out. his lies come out very easy and very convincing. it's scary to parent that.

i know that it sounds like the child is starving to death...his actions would portray that. but, i assure you, he's not. we have BIG breakfasts every morning, and many days, before 9 am, these things are happening. it's not hunger (it's not ACTUAL hunger. "perceived hunger"??? maybe...but we'll get to that.)

the hardest part has not been the food issue. the hardest part is dealing with him afterwards. he has no remorse. he doesn't care that he does it. and he will pointblank say that he has no desire to stop. if he sees an opportunity, he will take it.

pat and i feel strongly about lying and stealing and blatant disobedience and there are consequences at home for all of that. there is also very little (no?) trust between us and him. most of our relationship feels negative these days. we've gone in cycles and roller coasters of HOPING and PLEADING and then crashing and burning and we've grown weary. we know and we tell him that God can heal him, that God can help him, but we can't DO IT for him. he has to choose to want God to help him and heal him. we pray for him and we tell him we love him. but the walls that are up between us all are high and hard and long. it's not good or healthy for ANY of us and something HAD to change.

i spent quite a bit of time talking to and listening to God 2 weekends ago. CLEAR AS DAY, i was able to step back and see that things in our home (with regards to this issue) are calm and without tension when lincoln isn't in school. so...He told me to homeschool him. i really, really NEVER thought i'd do this. with ANY of my children. and especially with that one. but as soon as i heard it, it made more sense than it didn't. pat and i talked and prayed about it and decided pretty quickly. it just seemed best.

our family needs a change. and we are hoping this is going to be the beginning of some deep healing in all of us.

am i ready? no way! i have NO idea what i'm doing. but it's kind of SO big that i know God has it under control. i'm so thankful that i was a teacher. but i haven't taught in 13 years... :-)

our first priority is relationship. all the relationships in our family that are hurting right now. and especially lincoln with pat and i.

academics will come. but they are not the priority at first.

and lincoln. that little boy is an amazing kid (he should use all those skills to be a spy one day or something!) and he is hurting deeply. not just with food, but with understanding "family" and that he isn't the one that's in charge of taking care of him...anymore...

just 2 weeks ago, he asked me, "mom? if you and dad die today, where do i get to go live?" with a very excited voice. no concern. no pondering. if someone showed up at our door and said they were taking him to their house, he'd go without looking back. he's been my son for over 2 years, he's never NOT going to be my son. his lack of love or concern for anyone but himself is painful to parent and hurts all of us in our family.

we hope to have lincoln see a professional once our new homeschool routine is established.

we fully recognize that NONE of these steps (pulling lincoln out of school, me homeschooling him, lincoln seeing someone else) will "heal" him. only God can do that (and WHY is He taking so long!??). but we will keep doing the next thing. every day. every hour. we will never stop fighting for him and we will never stop loving him.

we covet your prayers. for the adjustment (beginning to homeschool for the first time EVER at the beginning of december is maybe not the best plan??), for all the relationships in our family, for my sanity as i figure out how to fit this in my day (!!), and most of all, for lincoln and his heart...that, above all, he would know he is loved by the God that made him and that he would KNOW Him and love Him with his whole amazing, adorable little self. 

it seems like beautiful timing that this is the week this is happening. we have so very much to be thankful for in this son of ours. his little life is making an impact on so many others. and we trust that God is going to do mighty things in him.

 "Our deepest desires often hold hands with our most profound disappointments. And this can be terrifying."

Emily Freeman