strong enough

hi :-)

i've been here. but not HERE like i normally am.
i just can't seem to put things into words that make sense.
things don't seem clear.

a friend just posted the link to this song (strong enough by matthew west) on facebook and it hit me in a good place.


"hands of mercy come and cover me, Lord of mercy right now i'm asking you to be strong enough...for the both of us"

one minute i am so frustrated and at the end of myself and literally think i am going to burst through my skin.
and the next i am reminded once again by how BLESSED i am by each one of my children and am so thankful.

i spend most every minute either with my kids, or talking about my kids, or thinking about how to love my kids better. sometimes i think i need to find something else to do - besides kids - but i truly believe i'm in a place where God is using THEM to reveal Himself to me and to those around me. my kids have no idea...but God is using them in BIG ways! how amazing is that?!?

re-vamping some things in the house. just to help with organization. 6 kids vs 4 kids is different. and with each child we've added, we've made adjustments. my house is driving me crazy. and i can't go into winter and boots and socks and and and...with things the way they are. still figuring out what that means...but i'm excited about changes! i love to organize and have "systems" :-)

lincoln loves to be tickled. by ME. i love that.

what if i woke up tomorrow and it was all over. "the transition". what if things were just NORMAL and everyone was used to everyone and there were no "issues." is that my end goal??

i thought through that question in the car the other day.

and decided, NO.

about 5 years ago, without really realizing it, we changed the way we were living. we started living for Him instead of ourselves. we started looking OUT instead of IN. and, since then, there's been a tension that is not comfortable. painful even at times. peaceful? yes. His peace.

it's happened one step at time. i guess He knew i needed it to be that way. but, i find myself at a place where i CAN NOT do it. i can't. it's beyond me. 6 children. 6 very different children. and a mom that WANTS to love them well. that wants to BE with them and ENJOY them and PURSUE them. not to mention a hot husband to love, a house to keep up and food to make and clothes to clean.

there is a joy amidst it all that i wouldn't trade for anything. it's glorious. do i FEEL that always? no. sometimes i scream. or cry. or stare into space when i should be listening. or say, "no" when i should say "yes." oh, i fail. big-time.

but He's so gracious to grant me moments where i think i'm drowning and then i burst forth and am standing in a moment of Glory....


...like when we arrived home. that day will forever be one of my BEST DAYS. my kids, too. Glory.
...like when pat and i meet on the couch at the end of the day. not quite as dramatic as the airport. but, still, a sense of "we made it." GLORY.
...like when bailey RUNS back to me after being almost past our house on her way to school because she needs me to give her one more kiss. GLORY.

they don't happen every day. well, they probably do, but i probably miss them sometimes.

to sum up this very incoherant post, i'm not strong enough to do this. and that's ok. things are hard. and that's ok. there are beautiful moments every day. and i'm thankful for that!

settling into a long road of healing in the lives of our 2 new sons.
and determined to hold tight to Him and run many miles to make it through :-)