another monday

it's another monday.
last monday was WAY worse. that's good news!

i'm going to attempt to process this past week. i'm a little bit sad that i didn't as we went through it. i feel like i might want to look back on it one day. but, it was SO hard and painful, that i think it's best if we never remember some of it.

adopting an older child is hard. like, WAY hard. i mean, i had heard that and it made sense and i'd read stuff about it. but...to be LIVING it, whoa. i seriously don't know how to put it into words. but i'm going to do my best. this is good for my own heart/mind. and i KNOW He will use it, because He is using this whole story!

i read this somewhere in the last few days,


"the stakes feel higher in every decision with a child who is adopted"

i'm sorry, whoever you are, that wrote that...that i can't give you credit. i can't remember WHERE i saw it. but i do know that it made me burst into tears. tears of feeling UNDERSTOOD. {i rarely feel understood these days...}

the stakes DO feel higher. i want to do things WELL for these children that have had lives that didn't start out well. there is also a lot of unknown. compared to parenting the children i've had since birth. i don't know most of what is going on in their heads and hearts. 

let's focus on the positive for a minute:

levi is good. he eats well (EVERYTHING!) he sleeps well. he loves us and wants us and KNOWS us. GOOD, good things! he used to claw at me when he wanted something. and he had this cry that went along with it - it was a desperate cry. he doesn't do that anymore. he just lets me know with a little cry that he needs something. and i get it. if it's not something he can have then, i re-direct and he's usually fine with that. he's beginning to trust that things are ok...even if it's not what he wants in that moment.

lincoln is doing well also. his language is AMAZING. he speaks SO much english! we were so glad when he learned, "i want" - because he could tell us what it was he wanted. now, it.drives.me.nuts! mostly because he just keeps saying it overandoverandoverandover until he gets it. next step is teaching him, "can i please have?" :-)

his bowel movements are getting MUCH more normal and less frequent. (sorry! it's part of it all!) it helps me to know that his stomach isn't bothering him. it never seemed to, even when it seemed like it should. but, it's just good. progress.

you would think (i definitely thought!) that i'd have SO much compassion and patience for these 2 boys that we were bringing home. 2 boys that lived in an orphanage...in a 3rd world country. they've had so little. i couldn't wait to give them SO MUCH.

well...i'm sad to say this is not the case. and it's torn me apart. i've wrestled and cried my eyes out and curled up in the fetal position. this is where the analogy falls apart.

people often use the analogy that God has adopted us as His children to describe us (humans) when we adopt children. it's a beautiful analogy. but it's always bothered me a little bit. because i am not God. God is all-knowing, has never-ending grace, never-ending patience, never-ending LOVE. i do not. and this is very evident in our home right now.

i KNOW KNOW KNOW that God placed these 2 boys in our family. i KNOW they are my sons.

but...right now, they are 2 strangers living here. i am less patient with lincoln than i am with sawyer. i have more grace for bailey's loud outbursts than i do for lincoln's. even when i discipline sawyer, it's PAINFUL for my heart - but when i discipline lincoln, it's not. it is done OUT OF love for him...knowing that he needs to know boundaries, but the same deep love isn't there. it's not right. but it's what it is. for now.

i TRUST that the love and patience and grace will come. and i'm TRYING my best to act like it's there when it's not inside me. and i TRY to ask Him to give it to me. but sometimes i don't. and it doesn't. and i fail.

and this is where the story is even more complicated. but so so beautiful. because, no, i'm not God that has adopted these 2 boys. but He is using ME - a COMPLETE sinner - to show His love to the world. i'm failing left and right. but He is picking me up...when i literally can't get up on my own...and having endless grace and patience with ME and guiding me back to them...to love them with His love. it's not pretty. it's SO messy. but so beautiful!

last week was SO hard. i've tried to analyze it. and i have no idea what the "problem" was.

but there was:
*pre-teen hormones (AHHHH!!!!)
*a 3 year old that's world has been turned upside down. he watched his family leave. then come back 3 weeks later with 2 new brothers. 1 of whom is practically his TWIN and into all his stuff and business. so, mom had extra grace on him at first. and now it's over. the tantrums and complaining will stop. NOW. so, cracking down on that.
*lincoln

lincoln is so challenging.

he is EVERY age he's been through so far - all at the same time - and all the MOST intense of that age.

1 year old - remember how they touch and feel and put EVERYTHING in their mouths? it's how they discover their world? he does that. to EVERYthing. but he's faster and bigger and stronger than a 1 year old. he can DESTROY something in like 1 second. so, lots of things are off-limits to him that aren't to the others (ex. lego's). MOST days i tell the kids to pick things that he can play. but, sometimes i let rebekah and joshua go in one of their rooms and play lego's and he can't. hard to find the balance of caring for them all.

i have to follow him around wherever we go. even in our house. if he's quiet and i haven't seen him, then he's into something he shouldn't be and it's probably broken. not maliciously, just because he's into it. if he's awake, i can't let my guard down for a second. so exhausting!

2 year old - tantrums and manipulation. right? do you remember? the tantrums have lessened GREATLY! YAY!!! he has 2 cries. one is for when he's truly hurt/sad. the other is for manipulation. that one is not stood for. at all. the positive in him receiving LOTS of discipline, is that he's not the only one receiving it! sawyer is right there with him. we went into this road not sure what "discipline" would look like. but, it's become very clear to us. children are children. it is our job to guide them and mold them. whether they are adopted or not, the Bible is clear. not saying it's that black and white in every situation...but in ours, it is. we also do KNOW that they both were loved and fed their entire lives. not in a family. but they were loved and fed. that is huge knowledge for us.

back to the manipulation. he's REAL good at it. he has "this face". he's quickly learning that that face works in the opposite direction for him. there's no WAY he's getting x/y/z with that face on. he's got a STUBBORN mom!

3 year old - testing...blatant disobedience...TRYING to get away with things...CHOOSING not to listen. oh, yes. it's amazing how quickly we feel confident in seeing these behaviors in him. we KNOW he knows what we are asking. and sometimes, he chooses to ignore or do the opposite.

one of many examples from last week:

i walked into get him after his nap. deep breath. here we go. i can do this. smile on.
he is sitting on his bed holding 2 of bailey's barbie's.
1 of the barbie's has no limbs. he's taken them off. both legs and both arms.

now, just reading that 1 example probably doesn't sound that bad. but when it is thing after thing after thing like that. he is NOT allowed to go in the girls' room. he is not allowed in their stuff. and this is why. he just doesn't know what to do and what not to do with things. at first it could sound sad...that he doesn't know. but, the thing that REALLY got me was the look on his face. he KNEW he was caught. he looked guilty. and i'm left with the decision....for the umpteenth time that day. how to handle it. with sawyer, no brainer. with lincoln,

"the stakes feel higher in every decision with a child who is adopted"
these are the times that get to me the most. because i can make it clear that i KNOW what he did, and that's it's still not acceptable behavior. but, i can't continue the conversation to the heart matters...to what GOD desires for him. the language barrier in these instances make me SO frustrated and sad. i know it will come. and i pray that somehow God is getting in his heart even without words.

now, can i tell you some amazing things???

lincoln is SO happy! he has NEVER shown ANY signs of anger. NO violence. he's never hit or bitten or appeared mad. it's gotta be by the grace of God. i can't imagine a child surviving life in that orphanage for 4 years and coming out as happy and helpful as he is.

he LOVES to help. he'll help bring the groceries in, help load the dishwasher. the dude is STRONG!

he also seems to want to understand and please us. again, i have NO idea where that comes from except that i can't WAIT to get to know his precious heart more!

i made so many hard decisions last week. i know, in parenting, that consistency is key. being consistent with all 6 of these kids - especially lincoln and sawyer - about put me over the edge.

one day i cried so much that my eyes still burned the next morning.

i lost sleep. my stomach issues were back. i pushed people away - partly because it was what i needed to do - i ONLY had enough to give to my kids and i was determined to do it. i changed plans. because i knew we needed consistency and routine. we needed to go THROUGH this awful week - not avoid it or go around it.

i know we have more hard days ahead of us. but, i'm still claiming last week as the hardest week of my life :-)

God is so faithful and is lavishing me with His grace. this week rebekah and joshua are in camps from 9-2 pm. {these are the FIRST camps we've ever done - besides VBS a couple times} i realized yesterday that 2 pm pickup was not ideal for the other kids that sleep from 1-3 pm. i emailed some friends in my neighborhood seeing if they could pick up my kids. within 2 hours both kids had rides home EVERY day this week! GRACE.

lincoln and sawyer are playing together...HAPPILY!!! every now and then. GRACE.

we have a long way to go. I have a long way to go. but, He is with us. and that's enough for today.

i have no idea what bailey is pointing at. but i love how they are all looking. and i love that i forgot towels. so they had to use the blanket from the back of the car. the blanket that is from the cruise to the caribbean and mexico that pat and i went on with friends from college the year before rebekah was born. wow...another lifetime ago!