Wednesday, July 20, 2011


i didn't realize i had done it.
but, when we stepped off that plane...

and i took my {other} baby in my arms...
and we were a family of 8...i CLOSED the book on where we had just been.
no processing of the past 3 weeks in africa. just closed.
it was what i had to do, i guess.

because, in my face was a new family. 2 new children that needed so much of me. 4 children that i knew...yet their lives had been changed. we were all new. i had much to deal with right in front of me. i couldn't look back.

but, now the book is slowly being cracked. it's seeping into my mind and heart.

and i will share as it does.

i cried a few times in africa. they were the deepest cries i think i have ever had. and i don't think i'll cry that way again. i will cry HARD as life goes on - i KNOW there will be pain and deep grief. but, this was different. it was GRIEF and REDEMPTION all at the same time. so deep. i can still feel the pain of it - are there scars?? i don't know.

i woke up every morning and took a deep breath. we had NO idea what would happen each day. sometimes there was a plan. sometimes not. even if there was a plan, it was always met with surprises. the kids were SO flexible - they were amazing. i can not WAIT to see how that trip will impact them in their they grow...

i had to hold it together so many times...for them. they were watching.

i remember one afternoon - it was a sunday. i don't know why i remember that.
the 3 kids were watching a movie. i guess we didn't have lincoln and levi full-time yet? or maybe they were sleeping. i was laying on my bed crying my SOUL out. hannah walked through the room. touched my hand. said, "are you ok?" i obviously wasn't. but i knew what she meant. i nodded and smiled through my BRIGHT blue, tear-filled eyes. she said, "ok. just cry. i'll be right outside." oh...the gift of having my sister there. so few words. yet so understood. it's ok to cry. just let it out. and i did.

i don't think i ever showed you these. we couldn't for so long. these were the first pictures we got of lincoln and levi! we STARED at these pictures for hours! the kids each had a copy in their pockets. i still find them all over our house. i found one in my wallet today when i was paying for a prescription :-)

our boys :-)

1 comment:

Alden and Dorian said...

LOVE this post Courtney. You have done exactly what needed to be done. Focus on what is at hand. It means things are "somewhat" settling that you can process your time in Africa. I know "somewhat" is relative. :) It is GOOD to see into your mind and heart. I love you TONS.