Thursday, March 19, 2015

the road we are on

we pulled lincoln out of school a year and a half ago (wow. that was a hard post to re-read) because something NEEDED to change. we were at a breaking point and something had to give. i stepped up and took more on my shoulders to relieve some of the hurting and stress on everyone else in my family. i KNOW it was the right thing to do. we did have a nice reprieve and it was GOOD for about a year.

but the last few months have been worse than ever. around christmas, pat and i decided lincoln would go back to school next year (we didn't tell him. yet.) balancing homeschooling and kids in public school and everything else going on in our lives is so much and, we knew it was right for that time, but we knew this was the right decision for next year. for lincoln. for our family.

but, recently, all the ways he's been sneaking. lying. stealing. manipulating. started coming out. it never stopped. he's just really good at it.

i'm finding bits of freedom in the area of guilt. it's my default to feel like his actions and behavior are my fault somehow. i KNOW it's his life. his choices. his decisions. his issues. but if i could truly believe that in my core, it would help things a lot!

it's so hard to parent a child that has no remorse. that appears to have no connection to you. or love.

he has destroyed his room to the point that we had to move levi out (they shared a room.) it's not fair to him to have to live in that environment.

we are sad. for him. for our other kids. for our family. this isn't what we *pictured.* and i would be lying if i didn't say i struggle to find hope some moments (MANY moments lately.)

believe me when i say we have and are trying everything we can to help this son of ours. ultimately, we know that only God can heal him. but we will continue to do anything and everything we can to try to help him in any way we can. we are NOT perfect parents. but we can point him to the One that IS perfect and that loves him way more than we can or will. 

we KNOW that our God can heal Lincoln. can redeem this. can heal all the hurts and trauma in each of our hearts from walking this road. we know that He can. but we don't know that He WILL.  even so, even if not, we will praise Him. and trust Him. and continue to obey His leading each step of the way.

this story of ours is a hard road. for all of us. for lincoln. for pat and i. for the other kids in our family. but i truly believe with all my heart that one day we will look back on it in disbelief of how far he's far WE'VE come. i believe that we will reread these words and it will be such a beautiful picture of what redemption looks like.  i look forward to that day. but, until then, we will keep loving and praying and walking the road we are on with our eyes fixed on Jesus.

"Hope is the salve that keeps our broken hearts soft.
We may find relentless heartache in our days, but our days must never lose relentless hope."
Ann Voskamp 


Ali said...

sounds like hope IS sneaking it's way back in. Alleluia. I pray for this day of redemption to come soon and hope you feel our prayers carry you along until then. love you!

Megan said...

What a brave post to write. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I admire your hope for and strong belief in what God will do for Lincoln and for all of you. Hugs to you, Courtney!

Michelle Haseltine said...

Your authenticity inspires me and your faith warms my heart! I believe hope is shining tiny little ways. Keep looking.

Katy said...

Your eyes are steadily fixed on Jesus, and that is something that everyone sees - us, pat, lincoln, the other kids. That testimony speaks volumes, even in the most of weariness and frustration. I love you, your family, and the story that God is continuing to write worth you. Love you fiercely and continue to pray!

Amy said...
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Andy and Kerry Cook said...

Here is a story of a woman who adopted a little boy at 4 years old from a Romanian orphanage. That little boy is now in his 20s and still struggles but the story's sweetest part didn't come until he reached adulthood. I hope it encourages you.

Jill said...

I am humbled by your transparency and the truth that your HOPE is found in JESUS. Praying for you! Thank you for sharing your heart.

Alden and Dorian said...

Courtney you were called, you chose to take these two precious kids from Rwanda.... to join your family. You didn't know what it would look like, day in and day out. You desired to give LIFE and love to them and you are doing that. Continue on this road ~ with the Lord's help....gathering His strength, wisdom and comfort. Know there are many who are holding you all up in this hard time. It will be SO worth it. Lincoln needs to figure out his core issue, and you are helping him do that. Love you so (and Lincoln too!)and feel the hurt of these tough times.

Tisha said...

Oh, Courtney, this is our road, too. Lying, stealing, cheating, manipulating. Our Meadow is becoming more adept at it all as she gets older and the transgressions are more bold, more calculated, more frequent. It's so, so hard. I wish I could give you a big hug and let you know we are in this together!! Much love to you all.

elizabeth acampora said...

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction & faithful in prayer. Will keep praying for you & Lincoln. You continue to amaze!!

Barbara Cassada said...

Courtney and Pat,
Levi and Lincoln are two of the most fortunate little guys to ever live!! They have the best Mommy and Daddy.....and the most wonderful brothers and sisters!! When Pat and you adopted them, you had minimal background knowledge on Lincoln and Levi! Of course, Levi being less than a year, he had not suffered as much as Lincoln did being that he had been in the orphanage for four years prior to your adoption. Dad and I have no doubt that God is leading you both in trying to help Lincoln......and we want you to know that whatever trials you have gone through and may go through with Lincoln, you are not alone.....we are here to support you in whatever way that we can....especially in prayer. We love you all!! Hugs, Mom