we pulled lincoln out of school a year and a half ago (wow. that was a hard post to re-read) because something NEEDED to change. we were at a breaking point and something had to give. i stepped up and took more on my shoulders to relieve some of the hurting and stress on everyone else in my family. i KNOW it was the right thing to do. we did have a nice reprieve and it was GOOD for about a year.
but the last few months have been worse than ever. around christmas, pat and i decided lincoln would go back to school next year (we didn't tell him. yet.) balancing homeschooling and kids in public school and everything else going on in our lives is so much and, we knew it was right for that time, but we knew this was the right decision for next year. for lincoln. for our family.
but, recently, all the ways he's been sneaking. lying. stealing. manipulating. started coming out. it never stopped. he's just really good at it.
i'm finding bits of freedom in the area of guilt. it's my default to feel like his actions and behavior are my fault somehow. i KNOW it's his life. his choices. his decisions. his issues. but if i could truly believe that in my core, it would help things a lot!
it's so hard to parent a child that has no remorse. that appears to have no connection to you. or love.
he has destroyed his room to the point that we had to move levi out (they shared a room.) it's not fair to him to have to live in that environment.
we are sad. for him. for our other kids. for our family. this isn't what we *pictured.* and i would be lying if i didn't say i struggle to find hope some moments (MANY moments lately.)
believe me when i say we have and are trying everything we can to help this son of ours. ultimately, we know that only God can heal him. but we will continue to do anything and everything we can to try to help him in any way we can. we are NOT perfect parents. but we can point him to the One that IS perfect and that loves him way more than we can or will.
we KNOW that our God can heal Lincoln. can redeem this. can heal all the hurts and trauma in each of our hearts from walking this road. we know that He can. but we don't know that He WILL. even so, even if not, we will praise Him. and trust Him. and continue to obey His leading each step of the way.
this story of ours is a hard road. for all of us. for lincoln. for pat and i. for the other kids in our family. but i truly believe with all my heart that one day we will look back on it in disbelief of how far he's come...how far WE'VE come. i believe that we will reread these words and it will be such a beautiful picture of what redemption looks like. i look forward to that day. but, until then, we will keep loving and praying and walking the road we are on with our eyes fixed on Jesus.
"Hope is the salve that keeps our broken hearts soft.
We may find relentless heartache in our days, but our days must never lose relentless hope."