Friday, December 5, 2014


four years ago i was in the middle of a depression. i didn't "term" it that at the time, i had never been through it before and was just fighting it with everything i had. every morning i would wake up, and before i opened my eyes, i would PRAY that it would be gone. but then i would open my eyes and put my feet on the ground and the dark cloud would be there...enveloping my mind and heart and body. it was so so dark.

that depression lasted 6 months. it lasted all winter...4 years ago.

every winter since then, i have struggled with whispers of it. it's never been as dark and consuming as that one winter was, but it's always been lurking there once the days get short and the darkness outside gets longer. the first winter after, it surprised me. the second winter after, it just made me sad and i trudged through it. the third winter, i was so afraid of it as winter drew near.

but this winter?? my joy is back in this season that i grew up LOVING...and that became full of sweet traditions as we grew our family! i've always LOVED all the lights and decorating and baking and advent and giving gifts and all the warm, cozy feelings that come along with all of that.
i realized it last week on the day we went to get our tree. when the day was ending, and i was reflecting on it, i realized that i had truly JUST ENJOYED the day. it wasn't forced. it just WAS. and, grateful my heart was!! i do NOT take that for granted! after SO many days of forcing the emotions i felt like my family needed to see me have...(it is SO exhausting!) it was so sweet to be true to my emotions AND have it be what i would want it to be!
NOW. this has NOT been without fighting for it. i have a "happy light" that i sit by each morning as i read and start my day. i have a diffuser that spits out any oil i think might help lift my mood. i'm trying to eat well, and exercise. and those things might be helping. but i'm CERTAIN that it's mostly Him.
and i know that all those "things" - the decorating and baking and lights and gift giving aren't what i should be finding joy in this season. but for years, i DID find such joy in them...just in the FUN of them. and then i had a desert season where NOTHING brought me joy...i just clung to Him through each winter and held on until the light shone again. and now? after thirsting for joy for so many winters, the joy that i find in those "things" flows from a deeper place...a TRUE place...a place of thankfulness to the only One that can truly bring JOY.


Alden and Dorian said...

Isn't it interesting how we often aren't sure what it is were going through in the MOMENT...and how helpful it is to look back and get it. It helps us understand life and bring closure to tough times. It's called maturing and growing in this thing called life. I am so thankful you are having better "winters", understanding some things that help and drawing on the GREAT I AM. Thanks for your openness once again. Continue in that JOYFUL place. I love you!

Mandy said...

this is amazing. i love this so much for you! :)