Monday, November 17, 2014

my heart

the days go by so quickly. they always have. seems like they always will. i walked around my house for 5 minutes one afternoon last week with my camera and caught all these images. my home is full of so many precious moments. i want to never take them for granted. 

oldest brother willingly, of his own accord, reading to youngest brother? so precious.
i don't even know what's going on here. but i just love that they are always so close together.

my heart continues to seek Him each day. i continue to feel unsettled and yearning for something more. but i'm slowly sinking into Him and waiting for His leading instead of standing ready to sprint at the starting line. i'm ready to say, "yes" but, in the meantime, i'm sitting at His feet and basking in His glory. if that's what i do til the end of my days, i will be content.

i so desire to live FULLY each day. but i want my days to reflect HIM and not me and therein lies the rub. stepping back to let Him shine forth is what rings true right now. i am more comfortable in days that i get to RUN forward, but a life that echoes His heart isn't often a comfortable one. and i'm uncomfortable these days just waiting and just listening and just soaking Him in.

i've framed a picture every fall of our kids...whoever they happen to be that year. they are all lined up on this piece and it takes my breath away every time i look at them all. so many memories. so many years (!!)

and those children brought so many sweet moments as they were babies and toddlers. and now we have turned a page. no more babies or toddlers. our days are full of conversations about conversations with friends, and things they worry about, and sometimes learning more from them than teaching them.

but still...drawing out their hearts like we always have, listening to them and watching them like we always have, and letting them be who they ARE like we always have.

and also...not getting to replace the batteries they asked me to (6 times!) until 2 days later, and giving them an impatient response because i chose to stay up too late and was grouchy, and maybe wanting them to be quiet instead of play so loudly (even though they are playing nicely!)

but it's our family and we are thankful for it every day. we are a mess but we love and forgive and keep trying every day.
i'm not sure i've ever struggled as much as i am this school year with feeling like i'm failing. trying to balance everything is taking all i have to not lose it most days. it's no one's expectations but my own that i try to live up to. and my own are the highest and most unachievable of all. it's so much easier for me to give grace to anyone but myself. this is not a good thing. i want to truly understand His grace in such a deep way that it's how i treat ALL of His creation - even myself.
the holidays are around the corner. the weather has changed. the days are shorter. the nights are longer (but i'm not getting more sleep?!? how does that work?? ;-)) even though i struggle with the darkness of the winter months, i do enjoy the cozy candles and blankets and closeness that those things foster in my home. {can you tell i'm trying to find things to be thankful for in this season ahead??}
we've been ONE for over 16 years. and we still have to fight for it. marriage is hard. but so worth fighting for.  i've never been one to settle for mediocre, and i'm certainly not going to in my marriage. pat and i have started reading this book together. we're only on chapter 2. but so far it's good :-) i'm so thankful for a husband that is always willing to listen to me and learn about me more deeply and strive to care for me in the ways i need to be cared for.

a marriage is made up of 2 people that are constantly changing and growing and learning...individually and as a couple. if you aren't intentionally trying to learn about each other's hearts and dreams as those years and changes go by, you will have hard time connecting deeply. there are sweet, "easy" seasons and there are hard, deep seasons...and everything in between. soar together through the easy ones...and hunker down TOGETHER through the hard ones. the key is to be TOGETHER...and you'll come out that way on the other side! we're in the middle of one of those hard ones but we are holding on and trusting Him to help us love each other well through it.
thanks for letting me share a little bit of my heart today! i wish i could be here more often...but other things are higher priority right now and that's ok...


Vicki said...

Can I suggest again that you read Hindsfeet on High Places? It has helped many people I know learn more about expectations, grace, and pride. Highly suggest it. Also, I totally think you should buy a happy light. I keep thinking of getting one for myself because I'm already counting down the days until daylight saving time starts again:).

Holly said...

I don't get here like I used to. I miss you.
Today I came to catch up and I'm not even past the first post, yet I'm in tears. I needed your words on marriage - not that they were profound. I just needed them. Ordering that book. I was JUST praying this morning for more resources in this area. God is QUICK!

Leighann said...

I love you, friend. And your honesty. I just bought Grace for the Good Girl. I relate to your line about my own expectations being the highest. I NEVER live up to what I think I should be. What is that? Leaning into HIM with you.