the day the lump revealed the love

{written this past friday, jan 31}

my body was still exhausted when i woke up today from the bootcamp i did last night. and i had 2 different sets of contractors scheduled to show up. and 3 little boys asking me to play.

so i chose not to go to the gym and went to jump in the shower before i played with them.

it caught my eye. if i had gone to the gym to swim, i wouldn't have been near a mirror when i was getting in the shower. but today, because of last-minute choices, i was. and i saw it. a lump. saw, not felt.

i feel like i've been waiting to get cancer all my life. 3 of my 4 grandparents died from it. before i graduated from college. it seems inevitable to me. and it's a HUGE reason why i've changed the way i'm eating the last year.

i'm typically not one to run to the doctor. i wait until, well, i actually never go. but i knew enough in this case that i had to go. i waited an hour. dealt with contractors and questions from them and instead of playing with those little boys, i let them play the ipad on my bed and i laid next to them and listened to their voices and laughter.

 and then it was still there. so i called the doctor and was so thankful that i could in today.

i was talking to God all along. but not asking for anything really. just knowing He was there and feeling His arms around me. i was scared, but more for others and not myself. i was ready to fight it and i was ready to go if it was my time. there were 2 people that my heart ached for. two people that my brain couldn't stop thinking about. Pat and Lincoln. in all honesty, i didn't think about any of my other kids. i guess, deep down, my heart knows they would be ok? just Pat - and how he would handle 6 kids. i can't leave him with that...it's too much. and lincoln - he was the biggest thing. his little face would NOT leave my mind. he already lost 1 mom. God wouldn't take another, would He?

i went grocery shopping. (it IS friday, that's what i do!)

and then to the dr.
IT WAS GONE. couldn't find it at all. nothing.
i felt silly but so relieved.
the dr was amazing, and didn't make me feel silly. and they are sending me for some follow-up stuff that will give me (i hope!) further peace of mind.

once i got home and had some time (like 3 minutes) to process, i realized something beautiful.

maybe, just maybe i love that little boy deeper than i think i do. he was my heart's first priority in that "worst case" scenario. his heart was all my heart could think about.

i'm choosing to be thankful for the day the lump revealed the love.

{just for memory's sake, i'm writing this on friday afternoon in this stairwell to our basement. there are contractors in our kitchen that need me to answer questions so i can't be too far away. there are contractors on the staircase above my head sanding - oh be glad you can't HEAR what it sounds like! there is a cold draft at my back because the front door is open for the cord to the equipment that is sanding.}