tentative start

such love i have felt today. i know you're dying to know how it went. i'm here to tell you. :-)

was up most of the night with joshua. sick. started around midnight. maybe got a few hours of sleep? but i had thought long and hard about my mornings going into this new chapter and knew that i NEEDED to be up and fueled by Him before my day started. i didn't think about how cold the house would be...and all the heaters were in rooms where kids were sleeping...i was thankful for our fireplace that turns on with a switch! i sat there right in front of it by the light of the christmas tree and welcomed december.

 

today was "ok". and that's what i was going for.

about 10 days ago, i was running by myself on a early saturday morning. i fell and bit it bigtime. tore most of the skin off one of my fingers...{this was AFTER i cleaned it up}

and banged up my knees pretty bad. the bruises are still healing and i still have a bit of a limp and have to wear a bandaid on that finger still. i never stopped running ( i actually ran 6 more miles after i fell that morning) and have continued to run through the bruised up knees and all. i'm not good at resting or healing my body.

but this family? i'm holding it much more gently. and treating it with much more reverence than i do my own body.

we are bleeding and torn. all of us.

i feel that today was supposed to be "a new start for Lincoln! and did he have a good day?!?"

but that would be treating our family like i treat my abused body and it's not good. there are 8 of us. and 8 of us needed today to be peaceful. for there to be balance. for it to not only be about ONE child.

it was a tricky line to walk. but He did it beautifully through me. and through YOUR prayers and encouragement (like this amazing fruit bouquet that arrived at 10 am and was AMAZING and PERFECT!)

lincoln and i did do school. it was basic. it wasn't a "party". me homeschooling him isn't a punishment, but it is his actions that have put him here. it is best for all of us. it was pretty mellow, yet peaceful. ahh...peace!

it feels as though lincoln and i are tentatively coming together. we are both hurt. we've both hurt each other. there is a lot of healing that needs to happen. we aren't jumping into each other's arms. there is looking out of the sides of our eyes at each other, but then smiling...just to try it. it's scary. and hard. but we will do it. one day at a time. one smile at a time.

sawyer and i were able to squeeze in a game of "war" at one point, which was a blessing.

and joshua was miserable all day. still is as we put him to bed. sad. yet a sweet blessing to have that boy's spirit in my home today. he IS peace!

the afternoon was a bit more christmas decorating. and making dinner together. and truly listening to rebekah and bailey's stories from their day because i wasn't someplace "else" in my head because of what lincoln did at school that day. peace.

it was an "ok" day. and i'm so good with that. we are treading slowly and gently and trusting the One that can heal to work through it all.

thank you so very much for your thoughts and prayers and emails and messages. i felt so HELD today and encouraged and it can only be through Him. i am humbled and in awe of His AND your love. {want to say one extra little prayer that no one else gets what joshua has??? ;-)}