1 year in

i've put off writing this post.
i wasn't going to write it.
but it keeps coming to me...writing itself in my head when i'm trying to go to bed at night, so i need to get it out.

we are 1 year in.
i posted the pictures. and shared how THANKFUL i am for everyone's support and love.

but where are our hearts??
{i'm really nervous to post this. i feel VERY vulnerable. but i'm hopeful and trusting that it will be something that i will look back on one day and see HOW VERY FAR WE'VE COME!}

i'll start with the easiest ones. rebekah, joshua, bailey and sawyer. yes, they've shown their reactions to the added stress that this year has brought. but their love and acceptance of lincoln and levi as their brothers has been GOD'S GRACIOUS GIFT to us all! it's been easy. not work. it's just happened. it just IS. they love. they fight. they annoy. they laugh and move on. i worried about this part a LOT beforehand. and, proof that worry does NOTHING! it's not been worth an ounce of worry...God took care of it abundantly! {i am not naive enough to believe there are NO issues in their little hearts...but i do think that it's been such a beautiful gift to us all from a God that pours out His love on us where He knows we need it most.}

levi. he came to us a broken baby. wouldn't look at us. would hardly sit up. fell asleep on the SPOT if anything was overwhelming. his scream/cry would make your blood turn cold. it was so sad. when i held him, he arched his back backwards...away from me. it took months before he would lean INTO me. his eyes were empty and he hardly ever smiled. if he did, it was a VERY quick smile and back to his stoneface. he ate and slept well from the beginning - which was nice! and any initial concerns we had about his motor skills/development were quickly dissipated as he began to walk and run and eat EVERYthing! and now? oh, that little boy is the FUNNEST little thing! he LOVES to laugh and smile! the only time he's not is if he's just been talked to or told no, and then he has his lower lip stuck out in a pout that lasts all of 2 seconds before he's laughing and jumping around again! he is SO active. SO engaged in ALL of us! says everyone's names. loves EVERY sibling in his own way. he asks for them all and misses 1 if they aren't there. other than his laughing and squealing, he's a pretty quiet kid. when he does talk, it's with a "normal" voice (i wondered...after hearing lincoln's LOUD voice for the last year...). he loves to hug and kiss and be held. when i pick him up, he always gets a kiss. when i set him down, another kiss on those adorable cheeks. it's natural...not thought through...he's mine!

lincoln. oh, lincoln. a year ago he spoke not a word of english. didn't know what a fork was. shoveled food in his mouth. ate food from under the table...or the trash can. cried a cry that sounded like a duck if he didn't get what he wanted. moved like LIGHTNING around our house. he would break things you wouldn't think could be broken. we had to lock all the other kids' rooms so they could feel like their stuff would be safe. it took him HOURS to fall sleep. he couldn't sit still for 2 seconds...meals were so stressful, he got out of his bed 20 times a night before he would finally stay. the little we did go out in public, he would just walk away...showing that he felt no attachment to us.  i could NEVER let go of his hand. as his language started to build (SO fast - it was amazing!) so did the lies. and manipulation. he talks a LOT. from day 1. and SUPER loud. BUT with LOTS of consistency, his behaviors started to change...little by little. it was so hard to even think about the deeper stuff when our day was consumed, i mean CONSUMED, by the behaviors. it's hard to think back on those days. the child that lives in my house today is SO different from that! he can sit through a meal totally fine - it's not something i even think about. if he finds a goldfish that levi might have dropped on the floor - he will pick it up and put it in the trash. he eats beautifully with a fork :-) he stays in his bed until we come in and get him. he knows my "eye"...if he's talking too loudly or just too much, i'll just look at him with "the eye" and he'll stop talking or say it again quieter :-) the duck cry is GONE. he doesn't break things and can play with almost any toy in the house! he is still pretty obsessed with food...but he accepts when a meal is over with no issue now and seems to understand and trust that another meal will come soon! he takes a nap almost every day, falls asleep quickly at night and just LOOKS so much more well-rested! he comes across as a very happy, electric little boy to anyone that meets and knows him. and i do think he's happy. but i mostly think he's just mimicking what he sees around him. it's not TRULY him. he's hardly ever TRULY relaxed. he's always darting his eyes to me...or one of his siblings to see if he's doing, reacting, getting what everyone else around him is. he still DEMANDS attention and affection and doesn't let you give it to him on your own. i'd like to say his heart has made as much progress as his behavior this past year, but i'm not really sure. i do think he gets that we are his family. but only in a very shallow way. he calls us "mom" and "dad" but i don't think he KNOWS deep inside himself that we are his mom and dad forever.

i'm not going to speak for pat.

a year ago my heart was wide open for these 2 boys. i jumped in with both feet, ready to take on whatever they needed. i welcomed them with open arms and an open heart. i have fought with all i have {with God's help! oh, with His help...} for them for about 400 days. i'd love to say my heart is still wide open. but it's not. i can handle the behaviors...it's exhausting, but i can do it. but there have been 3 specific instances that have caused my heart to put up walls...to recoil from the hurt...to become bitter...and then broken...and then hurt...and then asking Him to forgive me for my bitterness and help me move on and LOVE. but this is a process and not an easy one. out of all the "stuff" we've dealt with this last year (i thought lying was my "thing" that really got me...apparently it's not. it's this one) this is the one that i have no ammunition to hit it with, no plan, nothing. i just have to give it to God and trust that He will take care of it. each instance, lincoln basically said, when asked {what he didn't know was a joking manner} by a friend/acquaintance if he wanted to come live with them {EVERYone loves him because he's so electric!} "can i mom?" and, each time, i looked in his eyes and could tell he REALLY would just walk away with them and not look back. not think twice. just move right on. over. see ya, cassada's! not because of anything i had or hadn't done. but just because he didn't get that he is ours FOREVER. that that's how things ARE in a family. gosh, i am JEALOUS for that little boy's love. i want him to LOVE us. i want him to NEED us. i've struggled with all of this a lot...is it my pride that makes this so hard for me? it it selfish? like in a "i've given you so much how can you just walk away?" type thing? am i making this all about me? honestly, maybe some. and that's the ugliness of my heart that God and i talk about every single day. that He is working on every single moment. but as i talked it {through sobs} over with pat the other night, he reassured me that my feelings were ok. just like our God is JEALOUS for our love, we are JEALOUS for lincoln's love. and, just like our God will fight for His children until they are His, we will FIGHT for lincoln at all costs, no matter how long it takes, until he KNOWS he is ours.

a year ago things were hard on the outside. all that behavior stuff...it was OBVIOUS that things were crazy. to everyone around us. now, things are pretty calm on the outside. people say, "so, is everyone adjusted?" with a tone that assumes the answer is, "yes!"
we all know what the routines are. but the deeper stuff, the heart stuff, we are just getting to that. and, like i said, we are in the very shallow part of that...so we still have a long road ahead. and there are days that seems daunting. this is more tedious than the behavior stuff, deeper...takes LOTS of thought and self-control with my mind and heart...

BUT. i can hardly remember what it was like to live those crazy behavior-filled days of a year ago. and i'm hopeful that these days...the days of knowing he would walk away in an instant...will also be a thing of the past a year from NOW. whether they are or they aren't, we'll still be here, fighting for his love and always, above ALL else, pointing him to his Father in heaven that will TRULY never leave him or forsake him.

that's where we are. 1 year in...