stream of consciousness - fail

i've been told lately, "it seems like you're doing so good!" by a few. HE is doing so much in me. me? well...

it's been an uphill battle today. wanted to get up to exercise. but my body HURT last night. so i made the "wise" decision to sleep. and woke up in a bad mood because of it. what is with this incessant need to exercise? drives me crazy sometimes! {mostly i love it, though.} didn't push snooze once. i KNEW i needed all the time with Him i could get for the day ahead {another post coming about that.} spent most of my time with Him completely annoyed with the 21 month old that was letting us know he was HAPPY to be awake! {he WAS happy. just LOUD and happy!} selfishly, i wanted quiet. ugh. let my annoyance spill over into breakfast and telling my older kids to have a good day.

joshua and bailey had dentist appts mid-morning. i got someone to watch the younger 3 boys. and extended my time "out" through lunch on purpose. i wanted to have some special time with bailey. she needed it. her behavior lately has been SCREAMING it. "i need you!" i woke up worked up about it. praying and praying that it would be what she needed. the appts. took longer than i was hoping. so we didn't get to do what i had "planned" in my mind. more on my time with her in it's own post.

got home with the plan to put the 3 little boys down for their naps and continue with my special time with bailey. unfortunately, i had to deal with about 3 issues with lincoln in a 5 minute time span that got me super worked up. i was angry. mostly because his choices effected what my MAIN focus was - bailey. and that made me angry. the issues needed to be dealt with. big-time {lying, sneaking candy and hiding and spitting it out behind a chair "because someone was coming"}. but my anger. well, i failed. He is working in me, through me, with me. but i still fail. the issues lately with lincoln are the same ones over and over. and, in my apology to him, i was able to share that i fail also, over and over. but we HAVE to keep trying to obey. to be SORRY. and to TURN from the things we want to do. and to forgive. ourselves and each other.

but all of that? the apology and talk and forgiveness? didn't come full circle until HOURS later. too long.

i was determined not to let it ruin my time with bailey. so, i moved on. {which is actually a good thing - i spent way too many days letting his choices effect the rest of us in NOT good ways.} but my stomach was in knots the whole time. i prayed she wouldn't feel it. i hope she didn't. now you'll know what was REALLY going on behind all the fun pictures i am going to share about our special time together :-)

i was left at the end of the day with a mess. a mess of a day. i don't even know what to do with it. i wanted ice cream. or chocolate. or at LEAST a diet coke. instead i ran my fastest 3 miles ever (8:29 pace!) and talked to Him.

i don't have words to tie it up in a bow. today bit. big-time. i don't know if any of us learned anything...or grew. did we move backwards? i don't know. but i do know He was with us. backwards or forwards. He is here. messy or not. He is here. and that's pretty much all i know right now.

{NOT a mistake that i got this in the mail today! thanks, jb, for the idea! i changed mine a bit....hers says "choose joy". a GREAT reminder. but the reminder I need on my wrist all day long?? CHOOSE LOVE!}

{and, when lincoln is removed from the group, these 2 are so cute together! the whole lincoln-sawyer duo is pretty strong...and sometimes worries me for next year when lincoln goes to school. this gives me hope that we're all going to survive! :-)}