this is just a bunch of words...from my heart.
fun, birthday party pictures coming next!
i can't do this. it is so hard and uncomfortable.
it was an incredibly difficult week - first week of school for the older 3, week of adjustment and transition for all of us.
we all handled it differently::
::rebekah was quick to have an attitude
:::joshua was even quieter
:: bailey was even louder
::lincoln peed in his pants and bit all the skin off his thumb
::sawyer only cared about competing with lincoln
::levi screamed. LOUD.
i tried harder...my brain and my hands were working overtime
trying...trying...trying to do all they "needed" of me.
and i became more and more frustrated.
"those 2" are taking everything of me - all my patience, strength, brain power.
even when i try to act like they aren't, they are.
even when it was rebekah's birthday, he tried to be in the center {his non-stop hands and mouth won himself a seat on the couch while everyone else got to sit on the floor...he had his chances and blew it} i was NOT going to let him take over her birthday...at least that she could see, but he still took all MY energy...i couldn't enjoy her opening her gifts...
one of many examples...no need to dwell...
by the end of the week i could hardly look at either of them. i actually avoided it at times because i knew my eyes weren't showing love...they were showing frustration.
i have a renewed purpose.
it has always been my heart's desire for my children to know God and love Him with all their hearts.
this has to be my purpose. for ALL my children. whether they understand my words or not. my actions...words...HAVE to show this.
if my kids look to me - all they are going to see is conditional "like", anger that flares easily, patience that runs out, love that fails them, unjustified frustration, a body that gets tired, a mind that isn't sharp...
i HAVE to point them to HIM.
no matter how hard i try...or how close i am to Him...i am going to fail them. i won't stop trying...and asking forgiveness - but that is a cycle that will never end.
{and i'm going to be honest, that reality is almost too much right now}
i HAVE to point them to HIM.
His love will never fail, His grace has no end, He is good, He never lies, never gets tired...
How will i do this?? I don't know exactly. i am just going to ask Him to help me do it.
and i know He will.
9 comments:
I love this (not your pain, but your honesty and your heart). Exactly what I needed reminded of -- that I need to constantly point my childrent to their *Father in Heaven* who will NEVER fail them the way that I do. I'm sorry it's such a struggle right now (it is for me seemingly everyday), but I really appreciate your raw honesty, the heart for Jesus that you have really touches my heart.
Karey
Praying for you, Courtney. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone. It is a marathon, not a sprint. You are right where you need to be: broken and in need of Him. Love you!
I just read the part in Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child about how you cannot think of the boys as their ages. Think of them as old as they've been in your family. That means they both act like infants. Their corrected age is a few months old. Of course, they are capable of more destruction and our brains are wired to tolerate constant needs from babies, not toddlers and 3 year olds. But you have to rewire your brain to meet them on their level. They are not capable of what you want them to be capable of. One person I met said it's slightly easier to stay anger and frustration when you think of them as they are: developmentally delayed. It might take them years to be where you think they ought to be. Sometimes kids with hard pasts in institutions have emotional and social issues FOREVER. Which is completely life changing straight up difficult. I would try yo think of how to shape the routine and their needs around think of them as having a severe delay like Downs Syndrome. A parent of a kid with Downs doesn't expect them to be anything than what they are. Kids from hard places need the same kind of grace. You work with them, slowly, but with low expectations. They can improve, they *can* learn family skills, instead of survival skills, but those survival skills served them well for a long time. It's hard to learn how to let go of survival skills and be in a family.
I am amazed by you and nauseated at how hard each day can be with all on your plate. You are in my prayers.
It's SO hard.
((hugs))
Check my private blog for a link to an amazing article that will really speak to your heart.
Thinking of you!!
You are exactly right Courtney's. We are so limited and fail so often....that is where we HAVE to point them to Him. Because our love, no matter how hard we try, is flawed and will fail. He knows that. His strength made perfect in our weakness. Love you!
i tell you this a lot, but it is true, those boys and all your kids are sooooo incredibly blessed to have you as their mom!!!! hugs!
The fact that you are so in tune with your kids that you can recognize all the behavior changes and realize why they are happening is kind of mega.
Courtney...I have been following your blog religiously since I found it....which was when you were leaving for Rwanda. My husband and I are getting ready to start the adoption journey too, and I have appreciated the glimpse into what it's really like. This post, in particular, was superb. I was thinking how easy we get prideful at times in raising our kids. The kids that we have always known and have always known us....they can make us look good, make it feel even easy at times. But truly, the point where you are at now is very healthy. To be so completely and utterly dependent on Him to show His love to our kids. That's when it can actually work...because we are not trying to do it on our own, with our own heart and emotions, but His. Hang in there! And thanks for letting us into your life and heart a bit!
Carrie
Courtney, I wish I had something eloquent and wonderful to say to you...
I read this post a few days ago, and I have thought of it often since. I just didn't know what to say! You hit on many of the emotions and sentiments I have felt and experienced at various times over the past year and a half.
I do think people are right when they claim that the first year is the hardest. It's like your swimming, barely able to keep your head above water.
Just a bit ahead of where you are in time, I can say it does get easier, though still not easy. I hope that's an encouragement. ;-)
Although my comments have been few lately, I am always reading and sharing in your joys and sorrows.
p.s. Your teeth are pretty! I have trouble with mine too which annoys me SO MUCH because I too take EXCELLENT care of them!
I am making a rainbow cake for Tyden's birthday tomorrow. Thank you for the inspiration. :)
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