friends.
i have a short bit of time every afternoon of quiet in these days full of a family of 8. i make a decision each day what i will fill that time with. today, it's you.
this week i have been remembering...deeply...the wait of last year. i am not SURE why it's flooding me. i think it must be the start of school.
at the beginning of last school year (aug 2010) we found out the rwanda program was "closed" (our paperwork had been submitted already, but it sent me into a darkness that lasted for about 6 months...until february 2011)
i spent pretty much all of last school year BATTLING this adoption. ACHING with the desire. confused by my emotions. questioning WHY. and WHEN. and HOW.
EVERYTHING was so hard. such a struggle. but He was there...every step of the way. faithfully.
and, the last week of school, my kids weren't there. because they were in africa meeting their 2 new brothers.
i do NOT share all this to say, "just hang on. it will all work out in the end." (maybe true, but not my point)
we are 2 months in. the last 2 months have been the hardest of my life. harder than the wait. SO much harder than the wait. and He is still with me. every step of every day.
but i will NEVER forget the wait. the pain of it. it doesn't go away.
but this is what i want to share. all the questions (the ones that matter at least) are answered. now i know WHEN and HOW.
that's all over.
but the journey with Him...how i handled the wait...did i trust...was i honest...did i turn to Him?
those are the things i think about now.
we can't control SO many things in life. if you are on this road of adoption, you know what it means to obey NO MATTER WHAT. but HOW we obey? that matters, too.
i didn't do it well. sometimes i did. many times i didn't.
now i'm on a new part of the road. same road. same God. just a new section. i'm figuring out what it looks like to do THIS part well...failing...succeeding...failing...falling in His arms. but, because of that WAIT, i have a LOT more trust and faith and strength. not in myself. in Him.
press on, friends. He is with you. i KNOW it's hard. i KNOW.
PLEASE know that i am praying for you, pleading with you...but NOT for those children - HE LOVES THEM SO MUCH...HE IS TAKING PERFECT CARE OF THEM UNTIL THEY ARE IN YOUR ARMS! no...i'm praying for YOU. that you would KNOW His love and peace. that He would use this ridiculous wait for HIS glory!!!
"But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul." Deuteronomy 4:29
3 comments:
Hi Courtney,
Such a timely post! Again, I commented earlier, I came to your blog from One Thankful Mom's blog. Anyway... My family is in the waiting stage, the hard part where we have a sweet face and a name, but the baby isn't our's yet. At least officially. Today in particular, I have been having an especially sad sort of day, where the waiting is hard, not much news of progress. And I have two bio children at home that I want so much to treasure and savor these last months where I can just focus on them, but I am too tired and worn out to do that well! Feeling down about that, but God has been reminding me of some sweet truths and promises in His faithful timing... Today... like your post, and the post on the Tapestry blog. Anyway, thank you for taking time to encourage us waiting families!
Oh, and I meant to comment earlier, on the post about having a hard time with potty regression, my son has been doing that this week, big time, and I will agree, it is super hard for me to love him well during his "accidents", because he has proven he can totally do it, but I'm growing with that, at least I hope. Hope that is going better for you these past few days!
Oh, what can I say? I was in the shower crying and praying over our wait and some decisions that needed to be made. We've been approved and waiting for 14 months on a domestic match. I told God I didn't think I could handle it much longer. I told Him I needed encouragement.
I found the link to this post on my facebook wall, recommended by another waiting friend, as soon as I got out of the shower.
Thank you for the encouragement. Thank you for following the Lord's leading. Thank you for letting Him answer my cries and prayers through you. I needed SOME kind of "yes" today. And you were it. And God is good.
Beautifully written! I am in a similar place of remembering the wait-- all the unknown and questions unanswered. To now, THOSE questions answered but many new ones present. The wait taught me that pursuing HIM is what life is all about and where true joy resides.
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