Wednesday, July 13, 2011

it's getting harder

and i'm thinking it's going to get even harder before it gets better.
i'm not sure it's TRULY getting harder - the circumstances or anything.
but, i'm getting weary.
i called pat at 7:05 this morning in tears. "i can't do this! this is too hard!"

do you know what rebekah and joshua asked me the other morning? they walked up to me and said, "mom? can we adopt 2 more kids?" HA! i think i MIGHT have laughed like a crazy lady. or cried. or both. i do worry about how this effects them all...and it's times like that that make me realize that what's going on in MY head and heart is NOT going on in theirs. they are all fine.

i'm fine. i really am. i would admit it if i wasn't. but, it's just HARD being ON for each of my kids ALL.DAY.LONG.

and then pat gets NOTHING. or CRANKY wife when he gets home. oh, we had our 13th wedding anniversary on monday! i'm not sure we even said 13 words to each other that day. i hate that. i know it will pass. and i know he understands. i just don't like it. i love and appreciate him so much and i want to ACT like it every day!

so thankful for family and friends. everyone has been so helpful and thoughtful. wanting to help. it's hard, most of it i need to do myself. but, the meals have been great. and...yesterday afternoon, right about the time i'm about to lose it, a neighbor knocks on my door with a BIG diet coke from chick fil a!!! yay!
i just stand and watch in awe as lincoln learns how to play...and's amazing and awesome!!!

{my background crew while i exercise...}
the train table has never been played with so much. it's the only thing lincoln and sawyer can play with happily. and they do! for long periods of time - well, long for 3/4 year olds!

so much laundry.
so so much...
it would be a lot if it was just the clothes. but also accidents. and pool stuff...
for now, all the toys in lincoln's room were confiscated. when it's time to rest, it's time to rest.
my hair is falling out in chunks? it's weird. it has been for weeks. stress maybe??
and my stomach is hurting. i'm not sick. but every bite i eat feels like it hits a wall and i kind of have a grimace on my face all day. stress maybe??

i thought the "being in africa" diet was successful...well, you should try the "taking stool samples all day" diet. also successful :-)
i've let a lot go around here since we've been home - like never making the kids pick up their rooms. i couldn't take it anymore. i bribed them this morning with icee's and said, "if the house is picked up by the time we eat lunch, we'll walk and get icee's". it worked. the house looks GREAT! i think clutter/mess really stresses me out...i don't think it bothers anyone else - but they don't realize how much it ends up effecting them when I'M stressed out by their messes!
he wasn't sad. but he wasn't happy. it was almost naptime. see? i'm alive :-) {and have a LOT of grey hairs apparently! ahh!}
sharing. we are learning. i think it's new for both sawyer AND lincoln.

lincoln waiting for his turn...
sawyer waiting for his turn...
we are slowly getting into "school"  - it's good time for me to have with the older 3 while the younger 3 take naps.
bailey is swimming in her first swim meet tonight!!! (hopefully, right now it's a thunderstorm out there...)
we are all so excited for her!!
she wasn't quite ready last week. they only had a couple weeks of practice before we left for africa and this is her first year. she loves going to practice, just wasn't ready to do a meet. and this wasn't the year/time for me to push it. if she wants to, fine. if not, fine by me. i just want her to get the exercise and have fun - and she does that in practice!

anyways...she came home from practice this morning and said, "i need to take a GOOD nap today. like maybe 3 hours. to make sure i can get across the pool tonight!" ok. done. :-)


Michelle said...

Hang in there are a great mom!

Holly said...

God has equipped you greatly!
That is for sure!

dealightfulsavings said...

You're doing a great job Courtney! Praying every day that God's grace covers you. Being a mom is hard, hard, hard. Being a mom of 6...umm not even sure of the right adjective to describe it... challenging, frustrating, exhausting, etc... but your joy will be immeasurable too! Your kids are smiling and busy and I just love it that they want to adopt more kids! ha! That's great.

This is Judy by the way. I'm signed into the wrong blog and too lazy to sign out and back in again.

Katy said...

I think you are prob putting so much pressure on yourself to be the perfect mom to all 6 of them. Here's the thing - you are going to fail them at some point! You do the best that you can, ask forgiveness when you fail, and then keep on going. Oh and I love the "sawyer waiting his turn" picture. His face!:)

scooping it up said...

i think it's time to mention that for the last YEAR, I have paid someone to come over twice a week to do my laundry. fold, put away everything. I cannot keep up wtih it and still be sane. She also vacuums and if someone is napping i can run to the store with only half the kids. i never EVER EVER thought in a million years i'd do this. it has kept me sane. please consider getting help with cleaning, so YOU CAN BE THE MOM. With this many kids, who are little, you can either clean, or you can spend time with them. You CANNOT do both.

anthonyandbeth said...

take it easy on yourself and get and receive all the help you can! i had someone come in last year to help me clean. it was a hard year and at that time it was what i needed. it was temporary. you are doing a GREAT job, but i know you must be tired. no mom can ever be "on" all the time. that might be an unrealistic goal. set a more achievable one and one that won't make you feel like a failure. make sure you have a time of day where you DON'T have to be ON! and God is going to continue to amaze you and sustain you. you watch! He won't let you down! praying for you!!!

Maggie said...

You are doing way better than I am with my two kids who I have had all their life. I'm happy if I do a load of laundry, do dishes, take a shower, and put dinner on the table.

It does sound like you are exibiting physical manifestations of stress. Hopefully it settles out soon. I will pray for you to find your new normal.

Laura said...

The fact that you are exercising is so impressive. I can count on one hand the number of times I have exercised since we brought the kids home from Africa. I know, pitiful, but the truth. Something had to give.

It didn't help that I was sick for a year once we brought them home. I cringed a bit when I read your part of your stomach hurting. I got really sick after we brought them home. Once I got a diagnosis 6 months later, it took 6 months for the meds to work. I couldn't eat much at all during that time. The verdict: it was all caused by stress. Be careful. I am not trying to scare you, but just let you know how truly affected by stress that your body is. I had to do 6 of my own stool samples in the process of being sick. That was on top of Isaiah and Laila's 9 stool samples. It was a blast! ;)

Jenny said...

We've been home 3 months and I totally get it. Hard to even put into words what I've been through... the rest of the fam are fine but oh it's been SO hard on me:( and I hate that.
Praying for you!