Friday, July 29, 2011

almost 4 weeks...

my lunch as i sit here...just this week my stomach is finally "handling" food in a normal way...it was NOT pretty since we have been home...that was a long time! it's nice to eat again!
the kids often ask if they can watch "our video" - which means the slideshow of the day we came home. it's 11 minutes long. you'd think i would take advantage of the time with them being occupied. but i can NOT stay away. i can't NOT watch it. i see different things each time. remember different details. oh, what a day.
we have the song on a cd in the car. and it's now called "the airport song." they ask for it to be played over and over and over. so much so, that lincoln can sing parts of it now! and they say, "here's where we come through the doors!" when it gets to that part in the song - even in the car when they can't SEE it!

so, it's been a hard few days. just for me. everyone else is doing great. just not me.

i do NOT feel confident in what i'm doing. and i got all caught up in looking to "others" to give me answers...books, blogs, articles, even friends. and got myself all in a tizzy...worrying about what others thought, what "others" would/wouldn't do, worrying if we were "messing up"...i was a MESS! absolute.mess.

i am not sure i've ever felt that way...and hadn't felt anything close since rebekah was little...and we went through a similar thing - the whole "how to be a parent" - and were pointed to the WORD and GOD and given tools and the confidence to use them and have been so blessed by that as we've had joshua...bailey...sawyer....

this is different. yet it isn't. and that's hard.

they haven't been ours from day 1 - that is different.
they are children and we are their parents - that is the same.

i'm so thankful for pat and his wisdom. for how he listens to me...doesn't get frustrated with all my WORDS. and points me back to HIM. that God's Word is enough. we ONLY need to look to Him. we only need to answer to Him...not to "others."

i am still not confident. (please hear me here..i do NOT think i'm perfect at being a mom...that pat and i are perfect parents...we just have confidence in the fact that God chose us to be the parents of the children He's entrusted to us...that He will use our faults and strengths for HIS glory in their lives.)

but, i am confident in HIM and am straining to keep my eyes ONLY on Him. i would SAY that He is enough...i ache to live as if i truly believe that.

my heart is raw. raw. raw.

and...life is trying to creep in...commitments and schedules and STUFF. it is making me crazy. less is better. i REALLY need to do a better job at saying, "no"...and pray for grace from others to understand. feeling like i just have such a short time with them all home before school starts!

ok...onto the kids!

do you know what i realized today?? i tell bailey to use a "quiet voice" more often than lincoln - he totally uses a normal tone of voice almost always! wow! he spoke SO loudly when we first met him! i'm not sure bailey will ever learn what that is...

the light in levi's eyes is SO amazing. sometimes i just stare and stare at them. thank you, Jesus...

sawyer got to sleep with rebekah, joshua and bailey last night for the first time!!! he did great! and LOVED it!

(took this as i went to bed...)
and then this morning...what a big boy!
lots of birthday celebrating this weekend...

5 comments:

Maggie said...

So many times I have been in a tough place parenting. I am naturally anxious, and as you know, being a parent is a constant struggle to not be anxious. But at those times, when I am scared, and feel lost, and maybe like I screwed it all up, I cry out to God "Father help me! I am so scared and I don't know what to do! Please tell me what to do!!" And he answers me. I will hear a quiet voice in my head say something like:

Patience.
Wait.
Go home and wait for her.
Not yet.
Just keep going.

The answers are always right. If I do what He says, it always works out.

jenn said...

love you. you are doing amazing.

and btw...

i heard the "airport song" in the car yesterday, and when it got to the part when you guys walked thru the doors, i started bawling!! seriously. that song will always be special...that day has touched/changed so many lives!! :)

xoxo

Katy said...

Laughing about Bailey and lincoln and their not so quiet voices!!!! I know you feel this enormous pressure from everyone seemingly watching you. Praying that you will rest in the fact that God has entrusted these six to you and pat. He believes in you and will empower you along the way. Keep looking to Him. He will order your steps. Love you!!

Megan said...

As always, thanks for sharing the real. And I'm so thankful for Pat who loves you and listens and is a man of God who points you back to His word. Looking for advice on parenting can be SO VERY HARD as we compare ourselves and wonder and struggle with our failures. I am sure that information on parenting newly adopted kids varies just as much as information on feeding schedules on newborn babies. Thankfully our God is full of grace and is able to compensate fully for wherever we might fail. You are one of the very best parents I know, and I am assured that God will give you grace for these days as well. Love you!

anthonyandbeth said...

Parenting. Hardest journey ever and people always have an opinion on what you aren't doing well. Like we don't already know! Shut the people out! Only the ones with love and grace deserve your attention! There will always be people who think they can do it better or you can do it better but most likely they aren't the people who love you or know you. Those who know you love you and know how awesome you are! Maybe you aren't feeling it right now but we are here to remind you that you are awesome, an amazing mother and a child of the King! He loves you and will equip you and has blessed you with a husband who gets that and will lead and point you to Him! there is peace in knowing we dont have to know how to do it all and that He meets us right where we are. He is all you need!