that laugh and smile of mine?
pure.
joyful.
hopeful.
{it was from the yard sale last year.}
but, i miss her.
i am in a MUCH better place than i was a few months {heck, weeks!} ago.
i DO have joy and hope again.
BUT...
i am joyful despite my circumstances.
i am joyful because of who He is.
i am hopeful despite my circumstances.
i am joyful because of who He is.
this journey has brought me closer to Him.
i hope and pray it Has also glorified Him in some ways.
there is a depth to the joy and hope i now have that wasn't there before.
but, is it ok to miss who i was?
to want that pure joy and hope back?
i'm not sure what to do with these feelings yet.
i'm still processing them...
but, when a dear friend sent me this picture of her and i from this past weekend...it struck me...this current smile is different.
and i don't like it.
i am smiling despite my circumstances.
and i am clinging to her arm because she gets it, too.
5 comments:
You are beautiful in both photos, Courtney. And, YES, God is getting the glory through your struggles and joy. We, your readers, are blessed for one thing! and give Him praise for what He's done and WILL do through you. Prayers to you today. Liza
Um, not sure the answer to the question. But I DO think it is okay to want pure joy and hope back. Because I think God will give it to you again. No, you can't feel that way right now. But put you on the soils of Africa and have two little boys in your arms for the first moment and it will be there. Because it will be that pure joy that is amplified and caught up in the midst of the circumstances again. Like a joy (pure & lasting based on Him) meets together with happiness (the moment of delight) tornado of blessing. That made no sense, huh? Joy is joy and it runs deep. But joy and happiness makes the smile just a bit brighter. Love you!
I miss my old self, the one who had things under control, could do a million things in one day without being brain dead at night, and could handle stressful things that came up because i wasn't already stressed to the max. The pure enjoyment I had in life because there was nothing to be upset about.
Yet, I feel my intimacy with Christ is at much deeper level now. That I get the meaning of living in the Spirit so much better now. And I miss when God doesn't do something huge, big and wonderful in my day. That wouldn't have happened in my old life because there was no reason for extraordinary God-power.
Hmm.. I didn't answer your question! I just added to it. :) I wish we could have a reliant life on Christ while holding onto the naivity but I have a feeling it's impossible to do both.
I just said that as Henry again. Sorry.
in the craziness of sending that e.mail i didn't tell you how much i LOVE that picture. one because we are laughing... a good true laugh and two because i love you and i love that i can just be myself with you! thanks friend!
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