my thanksgiving week post

{i am fully aware that this post might make you hate me...many times over. that's fine. i get it. please, just be kind with your hate...}

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." ~ Melody Beattie

stole the above quote from my friend, christy. thanks, girl.
i LIKE the quote.
but i'm having a hard time with it also.
i don't have acceptance or order or clarity...or peace or a vision.

i think, if i was going to be totally honest, i'm having a hard time being thankful.
which is why i'm having a hard time with the quote.
i KNOW i have COUNTLESS reasons to be thankful:
my Lord and Savior that loves me, gave His life for me AND continues to patiently guide me through this life
my wonderful husband
my 4 precious, healthy children
our beautiful home
wonderful neighborhood
countless friends near and far
loving extended family
the list goes on and on...

yet my heart IS NOT THANKFUL.

{some sweetness amidst all this ugliness...spontaneous dessert being made on monday night, because we CAN! :-)}

i thought i was doing better.
actually, i know i'm doing a little better.
but this week my heart is slipping..."Thanksgiving" has hit me hard.
i've always loved it. the family...the love...time to reflect on what we're thankful for.
{since i'm being honest...i actually don't like the FOOD at thanksgiving. lots of "mushy" stuff...and i have a thing with "mushy". i'm making brownies to bring...and looking forward to the little bowls of hershey's kisses my aunt always has out :-)}
anyways...i'm basically being a little stubborn brat. stomping my feet. flailing around on the ground and saying,
"i KNOW You know what's best. i KNOW You've made it clear. but THIS IS NOT MY WAY and I WANT MY WAY!"

it is hard for me to be thankful when the thing i want the most is out of my hands. 
completely.
and i have NO control.

as i look back over the last few months, some things are clear:
-our adoption is going to take longer than we thought
-He is with us
-He has clearly told us to WAIT. 
-sometimes, even when He is VERY, VERY real to me...things are still VERY, VERY hard.

{the panter's came over yesterday and we finished passing out the flyers...then played at a playground}

{these 2 are too much. yes, i made bailey's shirt. i LOVE it. yes, i know it's not thanksgiving yet. they get to dress themselves when there isn't school...}

{joshua and sophie - i think...}

me and holly

i so wanted this week to be good. to be sweet and simple.
it probably has been for my kids.
i've been home. WE'VE been home.
we've played and laughed and had little to no schedule.
but my heart has been a mess. and i'm sure that's coming through some.

yesterday morning we were at the dr office. bailey had been complaining about her ear hurting for 3 days so i finally took her in. we were in that little office for 40 minutes waiting for the dr to come in. i was pacing {well, kinda doing the box step because that was as much room as i had} and thought i was going to go INsANE if that dr didn't walk in NOW!


the second she walked in, all that frustration and anger went away.
gone.
and we moved onto the appt and why we were there.
{she does have an ear infection!}

i KNOW that will be the case with all this waiting for our adoption.
i KNOW when we get to the other side, this "waiting" will seem like nothing.
i'll probably have a hard time remembering it one day {hard to imagine...}

yet, even that knowledge doesn't really help.
just makes me feel more psycho for the way i feel today.

{7:45 am today. not rushing off to school or the gym...just playing :-)}

so, since i am not that excited about thanksgiving...i decided maybe we should just move onto christmas.
we put away the fall decorations.
we pulled up some of the christmas boxes and set some stuff out and put some music on.
the kids loved it.

bottom line: the holidays are going to be rough this year. i'm not sure i can do this.

happy thanksgiving! :-)