Friday, October 22, 2010

they are alive and well, my new favorite pants and a place

first off, just to prove they are still alive and well, here are the sweet Cassada kids:

rebekah and sawyer playing house outside with dishes and water {holly, remember that tub of dishes from the yard sale? ended up in our garage and has made for HOURS of play time with all 4 of my kids! i'm kinda glad it didn't sell :-)}

joshua helped me peel apples to make apple bars the other day. that kid is so sweet. period.
oh, and we had his teacher conference yesterday and his teacher REALLY "gets" him.
that does so much for my heart. i love her.
and this one.
my life would be SAD without her. she is SO fun!
there was lots of "traffic" in our kitchen yesterday morning (a product of nothern virginia...)
my new favorite pants.
old navy {because that's where i shop when i am feeling "fancy" - otherwise it's walmart or target, because it's on the end of the rack and i happen to see it as i sprinting by to grab kleenex and cheese and...}

i LOVE them!
they are a dark gray color and SO comfortable.
i can NEVER find jeans i like.
so, if you see me this fall/winter...i'll most likely be wearing these!
um. and isn't bailey adorable today??
and i love how sawyer squatted because we did :-)
so i am in a "place".
i'm going to stop fighting it and start claiming it and working through it.

{i'm not trying to be dramatic...just honest...}

i don't really have {many} words for it.
my heart is heavy.
i want to sleep ALL.THE.TIME.
it is a struggle for me to enjoy...i do it...but it doesn't come easy.
i'm just going through the motions.
and i can fake things well...but i know i am and i hate that.

nothing MAJOR is wrong.
there are just lots of little things weighing me down.
and i feel like my "state" would be easier to explain/understand if it was 1 major thing.

this is hard.
but also sweet.
times like this push me to Him more than ever.
i talk to Him all day get through each thing.
in the "easy" times i hate how i can go through a whole day without a thought about Him.
so this is a sweet time, but also hard.

i'm SO on edge.
i've been ugly to my kids and pat more times than i'd like to admit.
i'm apologizing left and right for my attitude and words.
i called pat sobbing yesterday saying, "i can't DO this anymore!"

what in the world??
it's been building since school started...and the holidays looming are not helping.

pat listened to me ramble on and on about this for a LONG time last night.
his gentle love and not so gentle suggestions meant the world to me.
and to think my Father is there...willing to do the same times infinity!
i know i'm in His hands.
but it feels like i'm being tossed around in the wind and waves.

"Dear Lord Jesus, you once spoke peace to the wind and the waves.  Speak Your shalom over my heart.  I wait silently....patiently.  I receive into the very core of my being Your loving command, "Peace, be still.""



Courtney said...

I might have to go buy some of those pants!
Praying for you in this "place"

Tisha said...

Those are GREAT pants!! Good pants are hard to find.
Loved Sawyer squatting too!

Colette said...

I miss you, friend!
Love your jeans...and, I'm wearing my fave jeans today...your old maternity jeans! Smiles!

Holly said...

hugs your way...

beckley said...

court, in some strange way, because of experienes far different from yours but with similar stressors, i feel like i can relate to your pain. in that, i have kept you in mind, and even as you say you are having a hard time, i have some strange knowledge of that,and what it's like.

and i won't say it gets easier, because it doesn't. it's a time period in life when everything is just.too.hard.

but by the grace and peace of God, the many apologies to family and friends, you will make it through. and yell at people who telly ou that because there's no chance under heaven that helps one.bit.

so friend, i'm sorry. what you're going through is really, really hard. it is. and i wish grace, and peace and mercy.

in his name-

Megan said...

I love you Courtney. Being a mom is just so hard isn't it? I totally relate to just wanting to sleep...I am finally starting to come out of what felt like months of that feeling. And feeling like as much as you love your kids that you just don't know if you can do it another second. They are normal feelings, so don't start letting Satan start speaking guilt into your heart. Just take it to Jesus. I have to think that there were mornings when he woke up and thought he wasn't sure if he could go out there and teach to those disciples for one more day. I mean, they just didn't "get" it so often and He was having to trust that his father had a plan for why to choose those guys and invest so much into them. And the amazing thing is that Jesus was fully God and fully man. So he had our emotions. And He knows how you are feeling right now. So let Him offer you grace. And allow yourself to soak that grace in a little bit so that you can keep moving forward. Love you!