i'm trying

i don't have time to pee or cry and both are about to spill over and out. my heart is racing and i can barely sleep because i'm trying so hard. trying to enjoy these last moments of "summer" with my kids while getting ready for a big trip and dealing with HOURS of work on the computer for some stuff at church and trying to sort through new "adoption" news {i'll share once i know anything...right now nothing is certain} and dealing with a whiny 2 year old and a 5 year old that needs constant discipline and reminding of how things run around here and a 6 year old that would just slip through the cracks if i let him and a 9 year old that is watching.watching.watching me and taking it all in and i am failing them all miserably with all my TRYING and making both girls' birthdays next week special and making menu's and grocery lists for when we get back because school and LIFE starts right away and bailey's birthday party is that week too so i'm planning/buying/making all that i need for that and taking rebekah to buy some clothes because she grew out of ALL but 2 shirts this summer! and pat's parents took joshua today for a "date" so the girls (and sawyer) went SHOPPING {i don't really like shopping...but i tried to make target and sam's and old navy into a fun excursion...it could have been...but i tried to pack too many stores in and sawyer was so whiny - probably from his 2 shots last night or maybe just because he's 2 so it ended up being pretty stressful and i said some ugly things under my breath like, "this is a disaster" so it didn't end up being so "fun" like i had planned but maybe, just maybe it made my girls not like shopping ?!? i know, fat chance...} and pat has had a CRAZY week at work but we have laughed together every night...which i'm so thankful for.

every day i'm exhausted. to the point of either feeling sick or having a headache.
i can't barely speak and i certainly don't have the patience/kindness i should have for ANYONE around me.
i can't answer one.more.question. and i say so.
i can barely smile.
and i hate that.

i sway back and forth between feeling guilty and feeling His grace.
i wish i could stop the pendulum somewhere in between.

see how quickly it changes??
it's amazing, huh??
just moments ago (ok...days) i was so calm and peaceful
and now
i am wound up so tight i think i might snap.

i know i need to take a step back.
and soak Him in.
let Him re-direct me and fall in His arms.
i know He's there...waiting to catch me and hold me.
yet i just keep running and trying...