she got her castle and where my heart is 36 hours later

bailey got her castle this morning.
i presented the box.
didn't tell her what it was.
she had no idea what was in it.


"mom! it's my CASTLE!!!"
she's played with it ALL DAY.
THANK YOU, Ginny and Jen!!!


that was the easy part...i've tried to write this in my head numerous times.
but i can't put what my heart is feeling into a "thought" or maybe even a paragraph.
no major revelations or anything...just sharing what's on my heart!

so i'm just going to have to start typing and hope it makes sense.

it took 36 hours.

remember i hit the wall on tuesday afternoon?
well, then i basically spent the next 36 hours folded into myself.
i functioned.
got through all that needed to be done.
but had no extra...no umph to ask the probing questions from the kids when they got home from school...no patience with all that requires patience when you have 4 kids.
pat was gone both tues and wed nite.
which made the bedtime hour harder.
but maybe ended up being good because it gave me some quiet time between their bedtime and mine to think.
but i still felt like my heart was "shut off" when i went to bed last night.
not much emotion.

until this morning.

i woke up to run.
but didn't.
{that got Pat's attention! he's all, "what's wrong?"}

i spent most of the morning with that ball in the back of your throat that means you want to cry but aren't.
by the time i got in the shower, i couldn't take it.
i sobbed my brains out for a few minutes {while i got clean...always efficient, i am!}

and now i feel like maybe, just maybe, i'm opening back up.

i'm overwhelmed by all that God did here the last couple weeks.
i'm overwhelmed by the love that so many people showed us.

and i want to do "right" and "well" with that.

"to whom much is given, much is required."

yet that statement takes wisdom to wade through.
you can't just jump up and GO!

it doesn't mean that i need to spend hours helping others or give lots of money to others {although it might and probably will on some level}.

i've been challenged this week in numerous ways and places (as i've been reading and praying) that my "much" is right here in my home...my husband and my 4 kids.

they need much.
and it is my job.
and i LOVE it.
i'm glad to do it.
but sometimes it's easier to give money than sit and play "War" with Joshua.
sometimes it's easier to sit and read a blog about an orphan and feel very touched even to the point of tears than to listen to Rebekah's stories from her day.

if i can't do the "much" i have in my home, then i shouldn't be looking outside of my home to give at all.

that's hard.
but that's what i will do.
i tell my kids often, "if you can't do the little things well, then why should i think you can do the big things well?"

i'm focusing on doing the little things well.
stop doing the 13 things i'm doing when he walks through the door and giving him a real hug and kiss.
smiling and really enjoying the kids' stories.
being present in the card games.
listening to the laughter.

and that's where i am.
36 hours later.
{i guess 48 hours by now...}