from deep within

i'm not sure if it's my greatest fear...especially after this week...but it's a very real fear that has reared it's ugly head over and over since i was pregnant with this cute little boy...

i fear one of my children dying
i do
i literally never thought about it the first 6 1/2 or so years of being a mom...but it's been a foothold Satan has had in my heart for the couple years.

it was constant during sawyer's pregnancy...and also very present when he was a newborn.
but these days it isn't there most of the time.

it comes back every night though.
as pat and i walk up the stairs to go to bed, i have to check on him.
we have always normally kissed each of our kids goodnight before we get in bed.
but some nights we haven't...we're too tired...or too whatever...

but i HAVE to check on him.
i can NOT go to bed unless i've seen him.
i open his door.
and quietly walk over to his crib and look over the side.
his positions crack me up.
i love to see his body still and relaxed after a day full of motion and busyness.
but, mostly, i'm looking to see his little body gently moving up and down with his sweet breath.

the other night i just had to touch him.
{i normally don't touch him...i don't want to wake him up!}
i laid my hand on his back {he was sleeping on his stomach that night} and felt his breath go in...and out...in...and out...and i felt that fear way down in the pit of my stomach.
it comes up from deep within and threatens to drown me with it's power.

i wish i could say i gave God my fear in that moment.
and He washed it away as only He can.
but i didn't
{this was last week...remember? NOT such a good week...my heart wasn't in a good place}

instead i let that pit sit there...and went to bed with it.

i pray that next time i'll have the strength to call on Him to wash away that drowning fear.