Friday, February 26, 2010

learning and failing

where to start??
how i wish i could sum up the last day in my head/heart in 1 or 2 sentences...

i can't sum it all up easily except to say that He is working on me...hard...and i trust that.
instead of fighting it, i'm trying to go with it.

trying to learn from my many mistakes and failures in every area of my life.
yet not allow Satan to fill me with his lies and let me beat myself up.

trying to straighten out my's very hard to balance the 4 children in my house and the 2 children on the other side of the world. adoption is not pretty...or easy...and that's just one of the many realities of that.
yet not to allow the fears of "can i do this?" and "WHY have You called us to this?" to scream louder than His calling.

this week has been so hard.
nothing major.
but lots of "little" things that have added up to me being a mess.
i've sinned over and over.
i've yelled at my kids.
been impatient with them.
doubted God.
lost all self-control with eating.

as of 7 pm last night, my heart was still hard, though.
a rock wall over the thing that beats with love for Him and couldn't get through.

i was headed to meet jenn for dinner.
on the way, i decided to call my sister...she just got back from a trip and i wanted to hear about it.
she didn't answer.
as i started leaving a message...the rock wall crumbled.
i started bawling to my sisters voice mail!
i ugly-cried the rest of the drive.
i had a good 15 minutes between arriving to dinner and when jenn got there to pore over scripture. i couldn't read fast enough. i went to the ones i always go to in times like that...

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."
Psalm 19:14

AND...the one i REALLY needed to read...over and over and over...

Isaiah 41: 9-13

I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, 'You are my servant';
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

"All who rage against you
will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
will be as nothing and perish.

Though you search for your enemies,
you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.

For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

{emphasis mine}

my sister called me back while i was waiting {a little worried after my message :-)}
and she spoke truth to my heart.

my time with jenn was perfect.
she listened and spoke truth to me.
we talked, laughed, cried, laughed til we cried.
it was perfect timing...meeting her last night.
she is a lifelong friend...and i needed someone that KNEW me...really KNEW me to tell me i could do this.
thanks for who you are, my friend!
i love you!

i cried the whole way home.
much more encouraged.
yet still so broken.

we didn't run this morning because it's so windy we literally might have been blown over.
which was good since i went to bed way later than usual.
pat was gone way before i was up so i didn't get my hug this morning.

decided to stay home.
no gym.
no grocery shopping.
just home...trying to make some sense of all of this.

our morning was sweet...we played games and laughed...i even let them do play-doh!

{bailey kept track of the letters for "horse" - the basketball game - that counted as school for her :-)}

i think it was good for all of us.
there was a small sense of calm and peace that i hadn't felt for days.

and then i failed again.
i had to go to target.
i really had to...for a baby shower tomorrow.
{in hind sight, i should have just squeezed it in tomorrow...but i HATE going there on the weekends and thought a quick trip would be fine.}
but all that frustration and impatience just popped right back up to the top.
joshua and bailey were like wind-up toys in there...couldn't stand still to save their lives.

then it was lunch and getting joshua on the bus and rest time.

and now it's time to get them and get ready for bible study at our house tonight.

on life goes.

i'm fine.
i'm thankful that He keeps working on me.
i'm thankful for encouragement from YOU.
i'm thankful that He doesn't give up on me.

i wish this whateveritis was over.
that i was on the other side and could tell you some amazing thing i learned.
but it's not.

i'm still in the midst.
and learning.
and failing.

His grace is enough.
it is.

and HE has my right hand and HE will help me.
and i'm clinging to that with all that i am.


Stacie said...

You encourage so many Courtney, I'm so glad that you have those that love on you and encourage you right when you need it! How you seek Him and rely on Him with everything you have going on in itself is an encouragement to me. Awesome scripture and awesome reminder of God's perfect timing in the midst of what sometimes seems to be chaos. God Bless... S
Rom. 8:28

Leighann said...

i almost emailed you when you didn't post for two days to see if everything was alright and then thought, no she has four kids. she's just busy.

your adoption process sounds a lot like pregnancy with out of control eating and out of control crying. i hate ugly crying!

I COR. 12:9

Amy said...

So the sweet, sweet card and excerpt from a book that you sent me?? I'm thinking you need to pull it out and read it, friend. :) Thank you so much for sending it! Such a surprise to get mail from you and then to have it be something so sweet and thoughtful. Sending you long distance virtual hugs! :)

Peyton said...

I could have picked up a shower gift for you, I got mine today and should have offered. Love you friend.

Julie said...

HUGS Courtney, I hate the storm, but the calm, peace and rewards of HIs mercy is so sweet at the end. I just wanted to encourage to what is coming... and what a blessing it will be. Love you!!! And you are a great mom!!!!

Megan said...

"wish this whateveritis was over.
that i was on the other side and could tell you some amazing thing i learned.
but it's not.

i'm still in the midst.
and learning.
and failing."

What a great testimony to how it is SUPPOSED to be. If you weren't feeling torn and in the midst and growing and learning, then where would you be? I am praying for you that things are getting better, but I am encouraged that God always continues to work on us. I constantly feel lately in that state of flux, but I'm coming to accept that a) I will never be perfect (okay, I mean I know that already, but still try all the time) and b) HE is teaching me great lessons. So ride out the rough patch knowing that if it didn't exist, the joyful patches would not feel as glorious in comparison!