twinges

i've got to get this out.
so much on my mind and i need to dump some of it so that i can enjoy this weekend with pat.

here we go.

{i'm already in tears...doesn't help that i just dropped off all 4 of my kids for the weekend. i know it's good for us but it's SO hard to leave them}

i'm just going to focus on adoption stuff or else i'd be here all night.

i want to be a resource for others.
i know there are others out there that are thinking about adoption.
whether it's something you're serious about...or "one day"...God is tugging on your heart.
maybe you will.
maybe you won't.

but i want to be as open as i can about this process if it will help at all.

i remember reading others' adoption journeys and feeling slightly frustrated...i just wanted to know MORE...WHY...HOW...sometimes i might not be able to say everything i want to {which was probably the case in those situations} but i want to be as transparent through this as i can.

and this is a process that has lots of new stages and phases and i don't want to forget.

God is orchestrating this and i want to always have a place to come back to and remember what He did!

so.
my heart.
as we really started into this process in july i was excited.
slightly nervous.
mostly excited.
it also felt like a relief.
we were finally doing what i felt like He'd been telling us to do for a couple years.
it felt right.

and then as we started telling people, it was very exciting.
so far we've had only amazing, supportive reactions.
i've been a bit surprised.
but i'm thankful for that.

as we told people, they'd say things like, "isn't it crazy to think that your children are already out there?" or "how will you handle _____ {discipline, sleeping arrangements, etc}

these questions took me off guard.
they didn't really resonate within me.
i'd respond but i could tell i wasn't really feeling whatever my response was.

and that surprised me.

i love to read {duh} and i love to research.
why didn't i have a better response to these questions??

pat and i pray for them every night.
but my prayers felt a bit hollow.
and i hated that.
what was wrong with me?

as i thought about that i realized i was guarding my heart.
i couldn't think about "them" yet.
it would be too hard.
for the first 2 months i was in maybe some sort of "honeymoon phase"?? {i don't know. i'm making stuff up here.}
i couldn't think about what they might be going through today.
why they don't have a mom and/or dad.
did they have to watch them die?
have they eaten today?
i could just know that we had decided to adopt because God was asking us to.
that's it.

i was in "big picture" mode.

well, it's changing.
i'm getting twinges of the next phase and it's excruciating.

i try to stop it.
i try to take my thoughts captive.
i try to give them to Him.
what else can i do?
they are half a world away from me!

but i find my mind thinking about them.
wondering.
hurting.

and praying that God will hold them tightly.
until i can.