fear

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Phil. 4:6-7

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7

i have been dealing with fear a lot the last few weeks. Satan has been attacking me with lies and causing me to fear. that's the bottom line. i don't like to talk about Satan. i haven't wanted to even post about this. but it's real. he's real.

but, guess what?

i can win. and i KNOW that for sure.
how?
with the God i serve. He's MUCH bigger. MUCH stronger. and He PROMISES peace.

i started struggling with this a few weeks ago. in 2 different ways.

every time i would lay Sawyer down, i was afraid he was going to die. i would literally feel like i was going to throw up just laying him down. i would hold him longer...not wanting to let go. i would go in and check on him. i didn't really realize what was happening until about 2 days into it. when i was checking on him more and more. and feeling more and more sick. and realized (like a lightbulb went off!) THIS IS NOT OK! that's when i began PRAYING every time i laid him down (the fear was still there). but slowly, oh so slowly, it went away. MY GOD is stronger. and He will win. but, Satan definitely was working hard. (and he still is - it happened again last night - i'm just much quicker to recognize it and take it to Him instead of letting it get the best of me.)

the other thing that was happening at the same time was, when i would go to bed at night, FINALLY lay my head on my pillow, i would be attacked with lies about what i didn't do well that day. things i should have done better. ways i failed my kids, my husband, myself, others. there is a place for reflection - and it can be constructive. but this was just beating myself up. and it wasn't good. it was just lies and i was allowing them to tear me down.

i was ashamed. ashamed that i let myself be taken over like this. i didn't talk about it.
i DID go to the Lord about it. CONSTANTLY. and it has slowly gotten better.
i finally talked to a couple people about - asking them to pray for me.
and it continues to get better.
i have the above 2 verses in places where i see them often. i feel like i'm praying constantly.

we never know what a day is going to hold. what we're going to be faced with, physically, spiritually, emotionally.
we need to be READY. ready to go to Him and claim His victory. He will win EVERY TIME.
this has not been fun.
but i am stronger. i know Him in a more real way.
that's the way it always is, isn't it? i wouldn't trade it for anything.