overwhelmed

i am overwhelmed.

i'm not going to pretend i'm not.

i don't even know where to start.

my heart is so heavy for my kids' hearts - and really it has been all summer. i see such ugly things in each of them. i want to change it. i know i can't.

i do all i can as their mom - i pray for them, i pray with them, i point them to scripture when they do something against what God wants for us, i correct, i punish, i try to be consistent. i'm know i'm not perfect.

but i really don't feel like i'm seeing a change. and it's so frustrating. i'm exhausted mentally and i'd really love to see some encouragement from them. but i know it's not about that. yes, it would be nice for me. but it's about me being the mom God has called me to be and then letting it go. He'll do the rest (and they will make their own decisions...whether i like it or not). that's the hard part.

but Rebekah is going back to school in a week and i dread that. it's a big deal to me.

and i'm trying to plan Rebekah and Bailey's joint birthday party (just for family).

and i have a newborn. yes, he's sweet and i love him. but he's still a newborn. i'm still awake a couple hours in the middle of the night. he still needs to be nursed every 3 hours during the day. he still needs to be changed and held all day long. it definitely takes quite a bit of my time and energy.

and we just found out we are headed out of town this weekend for a funeral. a 6 hour drive there. and a 6 hour drive back. there's no question whether we'll do it or not. it's just more planning...rearranging all the plans that we had for the weekend.

i'm consumed with all this. completely consumed.

and it's an overwhelming feeling. kind of like i'm drowning. i feel this ball of panic swell in my stomach many times a day. it almost takes over.

i feel like i'm failing as a mom, and a wife, and a friend, and a sister. but i have nothing else to give.

and i can't exercise as a stress release. (if i could even find the time)

i have to send my kids outside just to get 15 minutes to pray.

and i've cut "junk" out of my diet - so i can't even eat when i'm stressed (which is all day long right now...)

so, where does that put me? AT HIS FEET.

i take a deep breath...cry out to God, "Help! I need Your help!" and in that moment, the ball of panic dissipates. completely gone. sometimes it's back 5 minutes later. but He takes it away. my flesh brings it back. and He takes it away again and again.

i wish i could put a verse here at the bottom that's been an encouragement to me. but i haven't opened my Bible in about a month. i hate that. but it's the truth. and this blog is about recording "how i live" so i can remember. and i want to remember all of it - even the stuff i'm not proud of.

i will just keep crying out to Him, He will continue to take it away - because He promises that. and i will make it through, hour by hour.

but i'm overwhelmed right now.