it's been 2 days. 2 very long days. i didn't sleep the first night. i think about it all constantly - yet somehow am still doing everything else that needs to be done. i have hardly cried - i just don't have the chance with my busy days. and i don't want the kids to see. and none of it is definite -so it feels silly to have any of the feelings i'm having. yet, they are there.
i go back and forth. i have strong moments. where, no matter what, i know that God is with us and He is in control and will help us through whatever is ahead. then i have my weak moments (honestly, there are more of these than the other) - where i'm mad, or i wonder why we ever did this (isn't 3 healthy children enough? why did we risk the "odds"?), or i feel sorry for our kids that their life is going to be turned upside down by this (really, it already has, becaus they've had a very impatient mom the last 2 days and they are looking at me like i've lost it - i have!)
but, no matter how weak my moments are, there is a current of strength running under it all - His strength - and whether these are the "hardships" we will deal with - or it's something we don't even know yet - He is there.
the evening the dr first called, Pat didn't get home until 4 hours later - 10 pm. he had a work dinner that night. i told him about the phone call. it wasn't a great conversation - it was the end of a very long day for both of us. his reaction was to be angry - at the situation. i needed him to hold me and say it's going to be ok. we went to bed "upset" with each other. after almost 10 years of marriage - i should anticipate this. when something happens, i cry...pat gets mad. it's just how we handle life.
we didn't talk about it hardly at all yesterday.
this morning, as he's walking out the door, he pulls me into a huge hug. one of those that makes your heart melt. and then he looked me in the eyes and said, "We're going to be fine." and i said, "how do you know? you can't say that!" only caring, in my humanness that we have a perfect baby. and he said, "no matter what we find out, WE are going to be fine. even if our baby isn't perfectly healthy, WE are going to be fine." he kissed me and walked out the door. i wanted to crumple to the floor and cry for an hour, but all 3 kids were right there and rebekah needed to be at school in 5 minutes. i know he's right, but it's so hard to truly believe that. this is all so terrifying to me.
my doctor called again yesterday and they made an appointment with some "specialists". this also scared me. since when do doctors make appts FOR me? and took care of all the insurance stuff and everything! as nice as it was, it scared me more. i have an appt on Monday afternoon. so, i have to live through this weekend not knowing, trying to not only act like i'm not pregnant, but like i don't know about the possibility of something being very wrong with this baby. it's going to take lots of prayer, self-control, and grace.
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