what gives me joy?

i should probably wait a few more days and let the thoughts that have consumed my heart lately form into pretty little sentences.

but i'm not.

my children give me SO MUCH JOY. until they don't.
and when they don't. when they break my heart, then where does my joy come from?

sadly, i'm realizing, it doesn't.

who i am is wrapped up SO tightly in who they are. and that's not fair to any of us.

this isn't anything new. the daily struggles with lincoln in school took away the joy of our whole family. so much so, that he came home for 2 years, just to re-gain some peace and joy.

i'm thinking i'm not the only one that might deal with this...

but i have decided that it's something that i need to work on. i AM a mom. that will NEVER change. and anytime someone you love hurts you, there are going to be effects...consequences...scars...whatever word you want to use. especially when it is done willfully or intentionally.

"Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life." Proverbs 4:23

"...the joy of the LORD is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10b

as our kids get older. and we have less and less control over their every action and decision, i'm realizing that i need to get a handle on this. ultimately, i want to model for them a deep, deep joy and trust that doesn't waver no matter what the current circumstance. this doesn't mean i'm happy all the time. or even happy with them. but it does mean that my hope is ALWAYS in something eternal. and my joy is in the One that will never let me down. and my eyes are looking up to the God that is holding it all in His very capable hands.

{this is one of those times where i'm trying to SAY what i want to FEEL and DO and hope that by SAYING it, it will become true :-)}

{{fun, "homecoming post" up next ;-) }}