love

nearly 4 years ago, that word took on a different meaning in this heart of mine.

i became the mom to a broken little boy that hadn't known what a mom was for the first 4 years of his life. i opened my arms and heart wide, i smiled big and answered all the questions. i had no idea where this road was taking us - he and i - but i knew God had put us together so we were walking forward, moment by moment.

{on the floor of the airport in ethiopia. telling him "i love you" in his language. we only had touch and facial expressions to share...and i wanted to SPEAK words to his heart so badly.}

my heart has been bruised, hurt and abused by the brokenness that has poured out of this little boy. and his heart has been bruised, hurt and abused by the brokenness that has poured out of my heart. i was not prepared for any of it. i just wasn't. and i haven't responded well all the time. we've hurt each other so many times, sometimes on purpose, and sometimes just because we're so entwined in each other that our sin pours out and it's effects are far-reaching.

he is so quick to forgive. i try to be quick to ask for that forgiveness.
we aren't perfect at any of it, and i think we've both learned we can't do this in our own strength. we keep going to the only One that can help us. we pray together. we talk about who God is and how much He loves us no matter what. sometimes we look at each other with lies in our eyes, but looking to God always proves true. so that's where we go.

we are still waiting with hope that he will trust us one day. that his need to take care of himself and his anxiety in the world around him will fade away, and he will let us take care of him.

the tension in our relationship is as much my heart not trusting as it is his heart not trusting. when i say that i love this little boy, it's not the hallmark-valentines-day kind of love. i love this little boy through all my sin, through all his brokenness and only because God is with us every step of the way. it's a messy, hard, beautiful, strong love that i believe with ALL my heart will be fully redeemed one day. and, until then, i will not stop loving him no matter what our moments look like.

{the difference in the above and below pictures are 1 year. the day i started homeschooling him. and a year later.}

many say that lincoln is "lucky" to be in our family. but the real truth is that, because of this amazing little boy, every member of our family has grown and changed and seen who God REALLY is and who we really are and how much we all need Jesus every moment of every day. and what a BIG and DEEP thing LOVE truly is.

 And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

{from Our God, by Chris Tomlin

the song i picked to play with our "at the airport" slideshow.

i had NO idea how perfect the words would be...}

cassada homecoming! from jenn gorrie on Vimeo.