i've always been honest here.
in order to be honest, i feel like i need to write and share. but i don't feel like i have the "right" words.
it's been the hardest month. it takes all i have to open my eyes and get out of bed each morning. (no, i don't think i'm depressed. i just think i'm discouraged and weary!) but i do. i open my eyes and get up and go through my day.
one kid (an adorable 5 year old) is the cause of this. he has so much brokenness from not being in a family for the first 4 years of his life. we are trying to help him. but many days he doesn't seem to want our help. he doesn't seem to care if what he does is wrong. flat out wrong (lying. stealing.) you can explain why something is wrong. you can give consequences when wrongs are done. but you can't make someone care if they've done wrong...and even hurt those they love by it.
i get mad. i've been angry more in the last 2 years than my entire previous 34 years. God sure is using this little boy to teach me a LOT about myself and about Him. (raw honesty here. i'm not proud of these things.) i think the anger comes from a fear that it will never change. it is my greatest fear and i think that fear is what keeps my eyelids closed in the morning when they usually are excited to pop open and start my day. and i think that fear keeps my heart feeling hopeless.
i KNOW there is hope. but i'm not feeling it right now. (honest, remember?)
i'm struggling. struggling to enjoy my days like i normally do. struggling to seek hard after Him when all i can do is put one foot in front of the other. struggling to have what my other kids need when 1 takes all.i.have.
positive note? thankfully it's Lent and i've given up sugar. so instead of eating endless amounts of gummy bears like i normally would...i'm eating endless amounts of carrots and hummus. yum. {ack!}
6 comments:
Thanks for your honest sharing. In an entirely different area of my life, I can relate to that feeling of hopelessness and being scared that a particular thing will never change. I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
I'm so sorry, friend. Sending you big hugs.
You are not alone, friend.
I always love your willingness to be honest. We've been struggling with Sora about the same things (lying, stealing - mostly food!) She sneaks out of her room during the night and eats food. She's a bit younger than L (almost 4) so it's more expected than with an older child. But don't forget that kids who spent much of their young lives in an orphanage are emotionally years younger than their "literal" age. So it sound like he is probably going through what a normal 2 to 4 year old would. I pray that God guides you through this "stage" and that he gives you the patience and wisdom to deal with it all. He's so lucky to have you as a his mom!
I have been following your blog since before you brought the boys home, but I have never commented. This post was timely as we are in the process of our adoption education titled "Adopting the Older Child." I just heard two days ago a therapist say that the second year is the hardest because a family thinks it should be *easier* when in fact it is not and now the parents are worn out and on edge. Of course, she also suggested therapy (but she WAS a therapist, so that is to be expected.) Praying you can rely on HIM to get you through this.
Just saw Jessica's comment....I was going to suggest some therapy too. Play therapy could be hugely helpful. Just a suggestion! Praying for you!!
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