learning how to live like this

this is my seat in the house. I sit here every morning for an hour or so, while I read my Bible and talk to God about my day, and listen to what He has to say. and I sit here in the afternoon while I type this and check my email and make my menu and grocery list and do all the things I can't do once my kids get home and I can't have a complete thought.

it's been a LONG time since I've really shared my heart here. it used to be so regular, almost like breathing. now it feels foreign and uncomfortable. but. this place has always been a place that I want my kids to be able to look and know WHO I was. so I want to keep telling them...for whenever they might read this.

i'm in a new season. we've established this. I know.

but it's even bigger than the circumstances of "my kids being in school all day."

except for a couple little spurts of time, for the last 22 years, I've been in a place where I have to dig deep to get through the season God has me in. for 22 years, when my alarm has gone off every morning, and I open my eyes, my heart says, "God. I NEED YOU to do this day with me. it's bigger than me. I don't have what it takes." and then I trust that He will. and He does, He always has.

22 years ago I was a senior in high school. you can go to the "who I am" posts at the top of my blog to REALLY get the details. but, my senior year, my family moved hundreds of miles south and i stayed behind to finish school where i started high school. i lived with a family that loved me. but, all of sudden, i felt alone. i made SO many decisions that i used to look to my parents to make. it was GOOD for me. i learned and grew. but it was a BIG "dig deep" season for me!

then i graduated and moved to college. right before i left for college, my boyfriend of 3 years and i broke up. i thought we'd get married (so did our whole senior class...we were voted "most likely to get married"  - ha!) yet we still went to the same college. i felt so alone. but had this big "college" thing in my lap and knew i needed to dig deep and do it well. i pressed into Jesus, showed up at church services by myself (even though i wanted to throw up because i felt SO alone!), and made it one day at a time.

i got my feet under me, found some friends. and met my husband. we decided to get married between our junior and senior year of college. being the first one to get married made me feel alone. once again. no one could relate to me. no one understood the things i was feeling. and we were so young! we had NO idea what we were doing! i dug deep and tried to be the best wife i knew how.

we graduated, got jobs, and shortly thereafter, i was pregnant (the 5 year plan didn't work out so well...). once again, alone, no one could relate, and i dug deep to figure out motherhood.

then years of having babies and toddlers and being pregnant (and throwing up for months). there were a couple short seasons (before i got pregnant with Joshua - when Rebekah was almost 2, and before i got pregnant with sawyer, when bailey was 2) that life felt manageable. that things just WERE. and those were sweet, sweet seasons.

then we adopted Lincoln and levi and that sent me into YEARS of digging deep. digging deeper than i even knew was possible. it was either that or drown.

a couple times it felt like we were getting to a "sweet" season. it was so close i could taste it. and then i decided to homeschool Lincoln. back to digging deep. or i decided to watch sweet Corey. back to digging deep.

and here we are.

i'm not saying my days are easy today. i have a teenager, and 2 more that are SO close, and that takes SO much wisdom and self-control and praying through every word i say. pat's job is so stressful that i feel very alone at times here on the homefront. our marriage continues to be something we are fighting for with all our might, it's just not in an "easy" season. interactions with the teachers and principal at Lincoln and levi's school is such a common occurrence that i sometimes forget to talk to pat about it for days.

life isn't easy. but it's OUR life. and none of those things are changing any time soon. they are our normal days and don't require me to live in a constant state of digging deep.

i'm struggling with how to live like this. digging deep is how i feel most comfortable. this doesn't feel comfortable to me. i feel like i'm doing something wrong or missing something. i feel guilty. i know that's not true. i know that God has put me in each of those seasons for specific reasons (mostly to teach me about how much He loves me and WHO He is.) and i know He has me in this season for a reason. I've always tried to be obedient in each circumstance and season God has me. and i am trying to do the same here. but it feels foreign.

this season, so far, has me still instead of rushing. it has me listening instead of talking. it has me agreeing instead of questioning. it has me smiling instead of crying. it has me in silence instead of constant chaos. it has me feeling strong instead of weak.

i believe that God is using this season to strengthen me for my next season of digging deep. trust me, i don't think i'm going to be here for long! but, while i'm here, i want to do it well, just like i have any season before. and i want this season to be about Him, not me. i want to know His Word more. i want to trust Him more. i want to see Him more and more in everything i do and everywhere i go.

i'm thankful for this season.