heavy with peace

having a baby here all day has had it moments. but the sweet ones like this make it precious...sawyer just looking at her from across the room...

this week my heart has remained heavy. for lots of things. it's affecting my sleep, which tells me i need to pay more attention. to my heart. to my mind. i can't function like this for long. but i wake up every morning with such a peace. even amidst doubts and questions with no answers and hurt and stress, there is peace. i drink from His word like my life depends on it. maybe it does.

on monday i taught bailey how to make scones. and taught rebekah how to put in drywall anchors and cut a pineapple.

we had a spontaneous double date with friends that night. my heart was so anxious and weighed down, that i didn't enjoy it. but they are the kind of friends that i can be honest with. and i was loved anyway. what a blessing.

my favorite jellybeans. sweettart jellybeans. the bowl sat on the counter for 4 days before i ate one. and then i ate only 5. and decided that the blue ones are my favorite flavor.

having older kids is so so different from little ones. (how many times am i going to say that? sorry!) but it's true. and i keep recognizing it in different ways. they keep me way more accountable in my words and actions. but they also care for me so much more deeply than their younger siblings. they SEE me as a person. and love me as a person.

pat was late. again.
i was done. again.
rebekah and joshua chose to lead us in worship to close out our day. it lifted my heavy heart in such a sweet way.

sometimes it's easier for me to love the baby that isn't mine more than the son that lied and stole. again. does the guilt of that keep me awake? or the confusion of how to love him well? i can't figure it out.

but i've been given the opportunity to have 9 hours a day with this little one. and i will make sure she feels loved as well as i can. her rolls make her impossible not to kiss ;-)

and maybe i need to babyproof soon...yikes!!