Wednesday, January 28, 2015

my heart

i am humbled that anyone comes to this place to read my little words. the purpose here has always been to be REAL and open with my heart. that usually means documenting my days with the underlying current that goes with them of who i REALLY am...a woman that's life gift is to be a mom...a mom that desires to show Jesus to her kids...and Jesus covering that woman and kids with His grace and love.

one day, i want my kids to be able to read these by day...and year by year...and know who their mom was...know why she did what she did...know Who she served and who she didn't...know the things that were TRUE in their childhood and what wasn't.

i hold myself to a high standard. in everything. it's not a strength of mine, it's a weakness. i never live up to the high expectations i put myself under and i'm trying to hand those over and let go of them. but they've pushed me along for as long as i can remember. it's hard to give something up, even if it's not the best thing for you.

i've been pretty worthless for quite a few days of the past 13 days after hearing of my friend losing her husband. the grief she is having to walk through is so deep. she knows her God and she praises Him still, but walking through this is unbelievably hard. i feel guilty coming home to my alive husband after spending time with her. i feel guilty having conversations with my kids about what they want their birthday cake to be when her conversations with her kids are about "what does 1st degree murder mean?" only rebekah and joshua know the whole story. bailey knows that Corey died. the little boys don't really know anything. yet they are ALL showing signs of it hitting their hearts also. rebekah has made them a note or some sweet thing nearly every day. bailey has slept in our room nearly every night. this world is so broken and i hate that my kids are seeing the cracks and crevices of the world they thought was stable and sure.

it is not my job to shield them from it all. it is my job to point them to Jesus amidst it all.

if i have a day where i let them watch tv all afternoon and can't carry on a conversation because i'm praying for ones i love that are hurting and can only heat up leftovers for dinner because i'm so tired after staying up all night with a grieving friend, i pray they see Jesus in that. maybe they see Jesus more clearly on a day like that than in the best-laid plans days, right?

my heart is heavy. but i'm laying that heavy heart at His feet over and over. i know He can carry it all. and He will. and i pray that my children glimpse His glory as we walk through these days...the hard ones and the beautiful ones {or are they the same?}


Mandy said...

I literally feel what you are going through. This is a long road, an everyday/ every moment road. There is no piece of a person that grief doesn't touch. I am praying for you and your friend. The pain is almost too much to bear at times. You are a good friend. :)

Mandy said...

the hard and the beautiful. they are intertwined, aren't they? praying for you, courtney, as you continue to seek Jesus in the midst of this.

Courtney said...

"it is not my job to shield them from it all. it is my job to point them to Jesus amidst it all."
amen, my friend.
i cried through this. thank you for sharing your heart. your kids are seeing it. the world is seeing it. God is seeing it. continued prayers for you.

jenn said...

love you, sweet friend. your kids are blessed to call you "mom" and your friends are blessed to call you "friend." hang in there ~ one day (minute?) at a time. xoxo