whether they texted back or not, wasn't what i needed.
i knew they would "get it" and i knew they would be holding me up.
i couldn't hold myself up.
they both texted back. and, of course, they sent me the most perfect words.
but these 4 words took my breath away: "you are not alone"
it wasn't that i had even consciously thought about feeling alone, but being told that i WASN'T alone, still makes me sob just to think about it.
i have never felt such pain before. being a mom to a child that spent the first 4 years of his life not knowing what a family is, and, ultimately, picking up the habit of taking care of himself and not caring about anyone else is so so hard. i don't mind hard. i don't run away from hard. but. 2 years and 4 months. some external behavior improvement, yes. but the deep stuff? nothing.
pat and i believe that God can heal. we actually now believe that ONLY God can heal. that's been a process in and of itself. we have nothing left to do...except love him the best we know how that moment. we've done it ALL.
i try not to talk about it. partly because what good does that do? talking about it isn't going to help him. partly because it's hard to hear the questions/answers {"have you talked to someone?" "has he talked to someone?" "have you tried x, y, z?"} it's all said with the BEST intentions and because those people love and care for us and him, but, at this point, it's going to have to be God. and him.
he's going to have to make the choice to trust and obey. God will give him the strength. but he has to take the first step. we can't take it for him.
i feel like the emotions and "letting go" i'm having to do are what we will go through when our children are teenagers and they drive off in a car with someone we aren't sure of. i just didn't expect to go through this with my 6 year old.
all that to say. i do feel alone a lot. adoption is a lonely process. and those four words meant the world to me.
1 comment:
**huge hug**
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