let it go

getting them {him} off to school could have been worse. it was actually not that bad {of course pat had to leave before anyone was up this morning. and of course i woke up to a leaky kitchen faucet.} and, still, it could have been worse. i blasted some worship music at 6:50 am and got them out the door with a smile on my face.

two hours later, after battling with my mind and, apparently, losing....i was laying on the floor in my bedroom having my first true panic attack. i've been on the verge a handful of times before. but it's never taken over like it did this morning. it is scary! not being able to breathe? yea, that's no fun.

once i was able to get little bits of breath, i crawled to the phone and called pat. he calmed me down enough to snap out of it.

i have such a hard time letting go. i feel things so deeply, so fully.

the road ahead for him is long and hard if he continues on this path. that hurts me.
the road ahead for us is long and hard if he continues on this path. that hurts me. and terrifies me.

i can not control my child. his choices. his will. i KNOW that.
but being able to take a deep breath and let it go is WAY easier said than done.

but it NEEDS to be done. for my own sake and for the rest of our family.

would you pray for me? that i could do that simple, yet difficult thing? thank you.