you don't forget the pain

{brothers watching mickey mouse clubhouse together}

when you are pregnant...or in labor, "they" tell you that you will forget the pain.
not true.
it's been almost 5 years since i've been pregnant (!!) and i have not forgotten. at.all.

EVERY time i make a bunkbed, my heart does this thing where all the memories of the pain of pregnancy come back and i think, "i'm so thankful i'm not pregnant."
almost every time i stand in my bathroom and dry my super-thick hair for forever, my heart does that thing and i think, "i'm so thankful that i can do this." (when i was pregnant, i was so sick that i had to lay back in bed...or sometimes just in the middle of the bedroom floor, for a few minutes after the exertion of just taking a shower and getting dressed. i couldn't even THINK about drying my hair. no way.)

you don't forget. it's etched in my memories and always will be.

when i looked over at sawyer and levi yesterday morning sitting ohsoclose on that big, long couch, watching mickey mouse clubhouse, my heart did that thing where all the pain of WAITING and praying and wishing and dreaming for years for little brown legs to be in my home...sitting on my couch...calling me, "mom!" came back. there were days where i didn't think it would ever happen. just like there were days where i thought i might not survive pregnancy.

but it did. it has. i survived.

and now they are "just" my sons. but i will never forget the pain, of pregnancy or of waiting. and remembering the pain makes me so very thankful for the beautiful children that the pain bore.