lincoln lately

my sister took this picture as we were getting loaded up to leave the funeral on saturday. lincoln and sawyer were pretending to be "mom and dad" in the front seat of the car. so funny!

it's amazing how time can ease the pain of the past.

feb 1-march 14 were some of the hardest days between lincoln and anyone/thing around him.

we have come out of that season, my heart no longer stops when the phone rings (expecting it to be a principal or teacher) but i think it made us aware that he has so very far to go to truly understand "family" and to truly trust us.

it became glaringly obvious to pat and i while we were at the beach that he is a loner. there were 12 kids in the house. NO ONE was mean to him, they often included or asked him to come along, but he'd say "no" and just color by himself. every now and then, he would join them, but only for a few minutes. he'd gladly play a game or read a book with pat or i (which we did with him some) but not anyone else. it made us sad to watch.

when i sit back and think, i believe this has been the case in our home for awhile, it just isn't as obvious because i'm busy making dinner and helping with homework and folding laundry. even if he's near everyone, he's usually doing his own thing. i don't really know what to make of this. i just know that i forget things as they pass, and i want to remember this season in his life.

overall, he seems happy...he's quick to smile and be silly. but, he's more subdued also.

i read this from another adoptive mom the other day and it's so very true of our lincoln and it threatens to make me feel hopeless...but i will choose to fight:

But the truth is ....

•  When you say "Wow, he talks so much" or "he can say so many words" - your right!  But the truth is, he talks that much because he is struggling with attachment issues.  A kid who incessantly talks is also a kid who needs to have the attention always on him/her.  This is absolutely exhausting and well, frankly, knowing it stems from such brokenness, it is crushingly sad.  

•   When you say "He's so inquisitive", the truth is, his 500 questions he's just asked is because once again, he has attachment issues.  RAD (reactive attachment disorder) lists a child who asks incessant questions or "asks questions that he/she already knows the answer to" as one of the indicators of many on the list for RAD.   This is not only exhausting, but heart breaking.  Attachment is a dance and a process.  Some days, I don't know whose leading and whose following.  I do know ... it feels more like a race that doesn't have a finish line.  The truth is, sometimes, that feels defeating.  

•  "Aww, he's so affectionate" you say as he puts his hand into yours and walks away with you.  The truth is, what you didn't see was how he turned his head around and smiled a callous smile at me as you walked away.  You didn't see the manipulation in what you thought was a sweet gesture.  You didn't see that he/she was using you to manipulate/hurt me as one more test ... "will she stay"? (because you also didn't know/understand what happens in a child's heart when they've been abandoned)  You also didn't know that often these kids will "Mommy shop" because they've had so many caretakers in their life.  The Mom, me - just another Nanny.   What does that mean?   It means that he/she has no clue what a Mommy is.  The truth is,  He/she isn't being affectionate with you because you are special.  No, he/she has no clue the proper boundaries and you are just another "Nanny" that will give them what they need/want.   Now is that moment as cute?  The truth is hard and sometimes, painful.  

•  "Wow, she's/he's such a leader" you say.   The truth is, she/he struggles with control issues.  Her/his inability to follow, her/his desire to always be the one in charge and the fact that she/he is always "helping you", isn't because she's/he's just helpful.  If she's/he's helping ... she's/'he's the one in control.   This too an attachment issue.   Being a leader is a positive quality.  Being someone that has to control everyone and everything around them at all times is a stronghold.  

• The truth is, the kid isn't the only one who can have attachment disorders.   This is an adoption reality that I am learning the hard way.   The truth is, love and attachment is a two way street.  Just as they have to learn to love and trust us - we have to learn and trust them.   The truth is, many days I still feel like their is a stranger living in my home.  Many days, I am still wondering where those parents are of the kid that was dropped off 1 year, one month and 22 days ago.  I am learning that love is as process and it may not happen over night.   The truth is, this feels shameful and many days the enemy uses this truth to tell me that I am a horrible Mom.

•   The truth is, often kids adopted at an older age will lie, cheat and steal.  This is because it's the only thing they have ever learned and was absolutely necessary to survive.  The truth is, I have watched so so many families dealing with these strongholds and they alone, begin to destroy a family.  These habits are incredibly hard to break.   The enemy knows this.  He's ruthless I said! 

there is no conclusion to this post. no "ending". i'm more confused about him than i was on day 1. some days i wonder if i've caused MORE brokenness to his heart in the last 2 years than anything else...by my imperfect love towards him. that's where i have to trust the God loves him more and is holding him ohsotightly.