it's been a heck of a week for one little boy (and his parents.) monday was bad. tuesday was worse. wednesday was worser (i know it's not a word!) to the point that he's been home yesterday and today. we are now on first name basis with principals at both of his schools. and could NOT be more thankful for his teachers and the administration at both schools - they care and love him so very much. but a "regrouping" couple of days...and some practicing of things he knows how to do, yet consistently is choosing not to (sitting still...working hard...following directions...only eating YOUR food) was in order. nearing the end of the second day, i would say, overall, it's been good (i could have done without the, "you're the worst mom ever!" yesterday evening. but pat made it VERY clear that that kind of disrespect for mommy will not be tolerated. ever.) it's been good to have the quiet part of the day with him...we've had a couple of good conversations. we currently can trust him 0%. with anything. and that doesn't feel good...i had to (discreetly) pat him down before leaving the grocery store yesterday. but it's real and where we are and we trust that we (and he!) won't always be here.
(THIS IS HUGE!) i CAN say...that even though emotions have been high and things have not been ideal, i am realizing that my heart is softer. i'm SAD for him. not just frustrated and angry. that shows love.
and i've prayed for that for 18 months. there's been a pattern this past month that goes something like this: horrible behavior by him, consequences, talking through it with him, allowing myself to trust and hope and soften towards him, BOOM - horrible-er behavior, which makes me retreat into myself and harden my heart. over and over. earlier this week, i would have said, "i can't do it. it hurts too much to 'get soft' and trust and hope." but, just today, my heart says, "i will do it. over and over. i will choose to 'get soft' and trust and hope over and over KNOWING that it will most likely end in hurt and betrayal.
he deserves that. earlier this week i was trying to protect my heart from getting broken any more than it already is. but that little boy's heart is broken WAY more than mine. and who am i to protect myself and hold him away? no. his little heart is so precious and i will (try to!) hand my heart over to him as many times as it takes for him to understand that he is LOVED and i will do ANYTHING for him.
i consider this "change of heart" a direct answer to prayer...to my prayers...and the prayers of MANY who i know are praying for lincoln and for me and for our family.
"And hope is the great power to love people in the face of serious danger. God-given hope creates the power to risk for the sake of others."
John Piper
monday morning:
someone dropped this off on my doorstep this week :-) hmm...
he made the first match!!
we ordered "sports illustrated for kids" for him for christmas - the first issue FINALLY came!
i think we are more alike than i've ever realized. we both escaped to the front porch to read.
bailey loves to write books :-)
oh! i made this dinner the other night. it was SO amazing and yummy and somewhat healthy!
blackbean spinach enchiladas (with HOMEMADE enchilada sauce) and
persian rice (pat LOVES this rice and it was an act of love for him. it takes hours to make.)
i was SO amazed at my kids - they ALL (except sawyer) liked it! and they "hate" black beans and spinach :-)
in order to make all that in the midst of the "worsest" day of the week...i let our "no screens on weekdays" rule fly out the window. and felt not an ounce of guilt :-)
my mom brought me my FAVORITE flowers!
we basically didn't leave the house much this week...feeling pretty antsy!
building...
bailey unpacking her backpack. flower girl dress...high heels and all :-)
it's been a heck of a week. hard. good. slow and long. painful. but with joy always (how could there NOT be with this many amazing kids in one house?)
i'm glad it's friday and a NEW month.
happy weekend!
8 comments:
praying for all of you! you guys are such amazing parents. that doesn't make what you are going through any easier, but just a little bit of encouragement.
Have heard great things about that book courtney! Am praying so hard for your family these days....remembering that Satan doesn't waste his time on families that aren't.making eternal differences.....so remember that God must be allowing.this season.bc he KNOWS you can come.through victorioisly!
have been praying for you & Lincoln regularly. Christina & I work out together every Tuesday (and sometimes one or two other days a week) and almost always end up talking about what an inspiration & encouragement you are to us. as always, we appreciate your honesty, vulnerability and "realness". Thanks for letting us know how to pray for you & your family.
Love reading your blog. Thank you for your honesty.
Oh Bailey cracks me up! Fancy Nancy!
Praying for you guys.
Oh Courtney, brings back memories of Sifa for the longest time. (Jen said things really changed recently when adoption papers were finalized.) WE can't begin to imagine what they have been through in their little lives and what triggers memories that spur behavior we can't tolerate. Part of it is learning to truly trust and learning to truly accept your love no matter what and of course some of it is 5 year old boy learning things your other children learned at earlier ages. Loved the way you shared about your heart. Don't give up, love him. ;) God doesn't give up on us. Love you.
I ditto all of these comments! And add, that you and Pat are amazing parents and you can do ALL things through Christ who gives you strength....(even the really hard, would rather not stuff!) You rock and are prayed for!
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