not that you've been holding your breath, but that cry that has been needing to come out since school started finally did. last night. on the floor of the study. everyone else in the house was asleep. it was wave after wave after wave of wracking sobs. i would think it was over...and it wasn't. i knew it needed to happen, even as it was happening, i knew it needed to come out. but why? why are we like that?
today i have the puffy, burning eyes to remind me.
and i'm feeling pretty fragile, so i'm going to stop here.
i don't know about you, but when i am crying like that {for no "apparent" reason, yet for so so many reasons} things fly through my head. some of the things were lies. and i recognized them as such immediately and told them to keep flying. others were hurt or confusion or grief. and they were things i needed to acknowledge or own or think through.
ok. i'm going to say this one thing because it feels so clear right now. an orphan is an orphan because of some trauma - their lives have been through some horrific trauma and there hearts have to grieve that. when you envelop that child (ren!) into your family, you are also enveloping their trauma and grief into your family. your family will suffer through their grief. every single one of you. no matter what you do, it will happen. it will be painful. it will make you mad. it will make you sad. it will make you doubt - all kinds of things. there are times where they will be suffering and you will have to help them through it. and there are times where you will suffer and you will have to go to Him to help you through it. it will be brutal. but. BUT! last night, as the waves were coming, i felt such hope, SHINING HOPE! and it made NO SENSE. but it was there. and i knew it was from Him.
and that's enough.
His hope is enough. i'm clinging to it with all my heart.
6 comments:
I love you my friend. Love your faith. Love your real voice. Your honesty and clarity as you wrestle through your calling. Grateful to have you in my life. And praying for you. Always.
What a concept that you envelope their trauma. It sounds like you are going through the grieving process for them/ with them... for reasons you don't even know or understand, but the grief is still there and still your own. So thankful there is One who carries all our sorrow and grief.... cling to that, my friend.
being a mama is beautiful and painful all wrapped up together. i love how you put this into words. God has reminded me that He is able to heal all wounds and has the power to break all the chains that are wrapped around our baby's hearts. i believe in Faith that He will do this.
I was thinking about you last night again. Lifting you up in in prayer, and now I know why.
I hate that feeling of the evil one hurling lies at me but I LOVE the feeling of knowing they are lies and knowing the Lord loves me and that is the truth, and that is where the hope is. I feel sort of like a kid who was being picked on, and their awesome big brother just came around the corner and is telling the bully what for, and I'm jumping up and looking over my brother's shoulder shouting "YEAH! What HE said!" Are you catching this word picture I'm throwing here?
Such true words, Courtney. Thankful for your shining hope!
but the gated of hell will not prevail against us.
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