{2 years ago}
i lay awake last night for hours. when i went up to bed, i could hardly keep my eyes open. but once i laid down and tried to fall asleep, my heart opened up. it opened up to the PAIN that was my day. that has been my day for weeks. ok, months.
bailey has lost her joy.
she used to BE the joy of our family. now she sucks any joy there might be out of it.
i don't know how we got here. i don't think she does either. she was sent to her room at 6 pm last evening. done. no dinner. everything that comes out of her mouth is either complaining or arguing or meddling into someone's business that has nothing to do with her.
we've tried everything. EVERYTHING. i'm at a loss. yet i'm not.
there is always hope. i know this. i mothered one daughter that was HARD to like from birth to age 6. then she turned into the most amazing child! bailey switched it up on me...was SUCH JOY from birth to age 6 and now..well, it's changed.
like i told her this morning, in my millionth lecture about desiring her to BLESS others with her words, that GOD is the only One that can change her heart. i do believe that. it's just SO hard to watch it and live with it and mother it.
and it also hurts because i can relate. the ugliness of her heart is spilling out. just like the ugliness of my heart spills out every day. i have great intentions at 5:30 am in the quiet of the morning. but my 7:02 am? when they are already arguing and i forgot to make pat's lunch and the dishwasher needs to be emptied before the breakfast dishes can even be set out and we have to be at swim team dressed and with towels and goggles and fins in 15 minutes? the ugliness comes out. i let myself believe that these moments are emergencies. and they are not. but i treat them as so.
i don't have a point. or a beautiful ending with a bow.
i'm sad. which is better than the anguish i woke up with. i couldn't eat breakfast for the pit in my stomach about it all. He has worked that out (thanks to His Word and a nice, long run with a friend!) but i'm still sad.
and determined as ever to continue pleading to Him on her behalf...for her joy to come back.
this job called "mom" is the hardest thing i've ever done.
10 comments:
Yep it is. The hardest. Keep.fighting for her heart and we will keep praying for you both along the way. Love you!!
i have been there. and i am praying for you both! it is SO hard.
Christian has never had joy that comes easily. He is unhappy most of the time. That makes me feel like a complete failure. He knows he has a hard time with his words. He knows he's ungrateful. He knows that he can ruin any and everything and he wants to fix it but can't. He wants me to fix it and I can't. He wants me to come up with all these different strategies for him and I do, but they only work for awhile. I've told him over and over that it has to be JESUS. Just him and Jesus...not me and him and Jesus. How I pray that the Holy Spirit will pursue his heart. I know that God has mighty plans for him because Satan works so hard to get him every day.
So I can relate. Praying that God equips you with wisdom!!
"this job as mom is the hardest one ever"----YES!!!!!! right there with you!
ugh....fight mama!
Being a mom (a parent) - The greatest JOY and the GREATEST challenge.....but ohhhhh so worth it! You are doing a GREAT job ~ keep taking it to the Lord. Love you and totally understand.
sweet baby. still praying for her. she's lucky to have a mommy like you =)
It's always amazing to read through your posts and see how similar Bailey and my Kylie are. Please know that as I pray for Kylie and her heart and attitude, I'll now be continuously reminded to be praying for Bailey as well!
I get it. Praying for you.
Please don't confuse joy and happiness. Bailey can still be filled with the joy of the Lord even when she's not happy in the moment. From what you write, it seems that Bailey is a girl that has empathy and compassion. She's learned a lot about the world in the last couple of years, and that will change anyone who has a soft heart. She's growing, maturing, and learning things that the Lord will use in a mighty way. Continue to teach her according to the Word and He will be glorified. Don't waver in your steadfastness!
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