gotcha day - yesterday

one year ago yesterday was the day we first met lincoln and levi.
i think God made the day unfold yesterday the way that it did so that i couldn't dwell on it too much.

here's the video in case you haven't seen it (or want to watch again...)
it is hard to see them in that video.
lincoln looks SO tired...those circles under his eyes.
and levi looks so sad...his furrowed brow. i definitely know what every one of his little "looks" means now. :-)

when i watch this, i cringe a bit at myself. i hate being fake. one of my many faults is that i am REAL. always. but when i watch this, i remember the emotions warring inside of myself. i KNEW that i was supposed to be joyful and bring these 2 boys (that i'd known their faces for a month and was just meeting in person for the first time EVER) into my arms as if they were my sons. just like i would hold sawyer and joshua. i DID know that God had brought us there and that He was with us - that WAS real and i suppose that's where the joy came from...from Him. because there was also a very real part of me that wanted to cry out, "who ARE you? i don't know what that face means?!? where is this smell coming from? i know i'm supposed to love you with all my heart...but i don't even KNOW you!"

God gave me the grace that i needed in those moments. and i'm thankful. it's pretty amazing to look back on it and see what He did. there is no human explanation for it.

there is quite a spectrum on how people "handle" recognizing their "gotcha days" (the day they first meet their child/children.)

we are close to one end of the spectrum. you have everything from barely recognizing it...to celebrating it like it's another birthday (cake, gifts, party....)


we will always remember. we will always remember the amazing country that our sons were born in, we will remember traveling there, we will remember meeting them and coming home and becoming a family of 8. God was SO clearly with us in that journey and we will ALWAYS remember what He did through it.

but we won't have cake or gifts or a party. we don't celebrate the day we brought our other children home from the hospital?!? we celebrate their birthdays. just like we will celebrate lincoln and levi's birthdays. this year, there wasn't even a mention of it...between ANY of us (mostly because it was a super busy, pretty awful kind of day in our present circumstances, we didn't have a moment to reflect on anything but the present!) but also LARGELY because lincoln still reacts negatively to anything that is mentioned about africa/rwanda/us traveling there/him living there. it is not something he wants to dwell on, and certainly not something he wants to be focused on and celebrated.

so. we've known them for a year and a day. we remember. we are thankful. and we keep moving forward.