the state of things

i don't feel like i've shared deeply lately. partly because of {lack of} time, but mostly because things feel contradictory.

on one hand, things are really good!
we had the most gorgeous, as close to perfection kind of day yesterday.
beautiful weather. very few "issues" with kids. i even SAT for a full 10 minutes while the kids played in the afternoon {after homework and before dinner needed to be put on the table} and no one asked me to wipe them or get them a drink or...it was glorious! and made me GLAD to wipe that little bottom when the time came :-)

{bailey is one persistent little girl! she was DETERMINED to learn how to roller blade!}

we have beautiful days. and we have evenings like the night before where i TOTALLY lose it over something silly {yet, REAL} and feel like i never make ANY progress. any. oh, the guilt and lies that come rolling in like waves.

i feel like i'm trying to adjust to have BIG kids {and still having little kids...} it's a little tricky! i don't want to treat the big kids like little kids. yet the little kids require so much of ME. i want to make sure the big kids KNOW that i love them and care about their every word, too!

i'm figuring out how i'm going to eat. sounds weird, i know. but lent really was amazing for me. in so many ways. i didn't realize how much changing my diet had changed how i felt. i really didn't realize it until i started eating anything i wanted. and started having stomach issues again. and my hernia started acting up. and i wasn't sleeping as well. so, i'm trying to figure out what this all means. i don't really want to live with a SUPER strict diet. that's just annoying to be around. but, i do want to feel good and healthy.

{taken during my 10 minutes of SITTING!}

things with lincoln are still hard. he's actually doing great. he doesn't really require any more "discipline" than sawyer does. we are still {every minute} working through some behaviors but he's made such AMAZING progress and truly desires to understand what is expected of him. he is a BRAVE, resilient, happy little boy. things are hard because of me. because of my heart. i don't have the words yet. i just know that is the truth. there is hurt and there are scars and there is fear and there is rejection and there is bitterness. and i'm talking about MY heart. MY sin. MY ugliness. and i'm working through it. He is gently leading me through it. but it's very painful and raw and possibly harder than those first 6 months home. no, actually. it's not. i've never lived through ANYthing like that. this IS hard. but just for me. that was hard for us ALL. and WAY more consuming than this is.

i TRUST Him. i trust His truths and that HIS love will conquer ALL that is going on in my heart.

and i know it will all take time. the journey is where i am. not the end. and i want to just fast forward and be at the end.

but, THIS is where i see Him clearly. in the excruciating moments where i have nothing to do BUT cry out to Him to change me. to redeem this. to get us through the next hour. to move us forward...be it ever such tiny steps...

the pain, the confusion, the hurt. i wouldn't trade it. because it's HIS story i'm walking through and i will keep walking.

i was reading in the Jesus Storybook Bible this morning to Lincoln and Sawyer. it's near the end. after Jesus has risen from the dead and has ascended into heaven and told them to GO and tell others about Him.

and He left them with "God's wonderful promise to them: 'You are my child. And I love you.'"

we talked about how God loves us NO MATTER WHAT. 

i read that over and over...


You are my child. And I love you.


You are my child. And I love you.

i looked into sawyer's eyes....You are my child. And I love you. Sawyer! God loves you so much!

and lincoln's eyes...You are my child. And I love you. Lincoln! God loves you so much!

i said it so many times, they started saying it, too.

You are my child. And I love you.

it was like God was saying it to ME through these 2 little boys...


You are my child. And I love you.

i feel like i know less and less every day. but one thing i DO know. I am His child. and He loves me.
and, for today, that's enough!