space

i'm learning that space is essential to living my days well.

i'm a slow learner.


but i'm learning. and that's what's important.

i've spent years (my whole life??) filling every moment of my days with worthwhile, good, fulfilling things.
check, check, checking off my lists. planning ahead. saying yes.

i can picture my desk in my room in college. a piece of paper on the bottom right corner. i wrote it out each night before i went to bed - my plan for the next day. down to 15 minute increments. I WAS A COLLEGE STUDENT! what in the world?!? no one made me that way. i can't blame anyone but myself.

{they were singing happy birthday to joshua in their dollhouse world. it was so cute.}

i am slowly learning to say NO, to NOT make lists, to breathe in and look around and THEN decide what to do. instead of deciding what to do and pushing my way forward. no matter what (this is my default way of doing things. it's exhausting. and gives me headaches.)

and even further, the more kids i have and the more they have going on, the MORE space i need to create in my days. so that i can listen to them and help them.

AND, the more pat has going on, the more his work requires, the MORE space i need to create so that i can support him and encourage him.

we can't ALL go full-force ahead. we can't bulldoze our way through life.

right now, it feels like it's up to me to set the pace, the tone, and keep us all together. it sounds like it could be overwhelming. except it's not. because it's really HIM setting the pace, the tone and keeping us all together. i just need to create enough SPACE so that He can do that through me.

and you know what? this is what i've wanted all my life.

to be a mom?? yes, that's what i thought i wanted all my life. and it IS such a gift. SUCH a gift.

but what i've TRULY wanted?? even MORE than that?? to KNOW Him. i'd love to say that i live each day listening to Him each moment. but i don't. not at all.

but i AM learning. in little, tiny steps. i'm done trying to find shortcuts to race to the finish and trying to learn it ALL at once. i can only take little steps. but they are SURE steps, not the shaky kind of a toddler. they are SURE steps built on truth.

{he LOVES to play with this dollhouse. at first he just broke the pieces, so it was off-limits to him for awhile. but he recently was allowed to play with it again and it's amazing to watch him role-play and enjoy it so much! if i ever can't find him, this is where he is!}

{i hate feet. i can't stand them touching me. even if pat has socks on and we're sitting on the couch and his feet touch me, i can't stand it. EXCEPT for sawyer's feet. i mean, i always love my baby's feet - they ARE cute. but once they aren't babies anymore?? no more. EXCEPT sawyer. i will still kiss them like crazy...and i'd like to be in denial that they are still "baby" feet. but they SO aren't. and i still can't stop kissing them :-)}